Trainspotting.

I haven't posted in a week, I guess I only write in my blog when I have an urge, an obscene 'need to put it on paper and share my thoughts' rush that has me, in front of the screen, at wee hours of the night. These past few days, I've been writing the stories of other people; I've been pouring my own discomfort into the heartbroken Emma, bitter Mellie, Ricardo who's so out of touch with reality, he turns to drugs and runs away, and the around-the way Pancake.
These are the characters from my new 'short' story 'Single girl' or 'Blossoms', I'm not sure which yet. I've been enthralled with the movie 'Trainspotting', the brilliance of the plot and imagery has inspired me and I've been 'pushing' my writing, adding challenge to the plot, 'Push harder, what are you trying to say/show? Make them see, don't tell them!' says a voice in my head. I've been a mad scientist. If you get the chance, WATCH it, it's intelligent, sexy, funny, poignant... I mean, I think I am in love with Ewan Mcgregor and Johnny Lee Miller, because of this movie...

In other news, I've been dealing with family adjustments; I'm trying to find the balance between being a daughter and an adult, whilst still breaking old habits and draining co-dependencies. I'm the 'go to' girl, you need money? you need to talk? you need someone to fix it, when you can't? You know who has a 'future'? Wait, wait, maybe you need someone to carry your burden? Who do you call?
Me, apparently.
And I'll say it here, loud and clear: I'm sick of it. I want to be a daughter again, not a 'parent' to my parents, nor' to my siblings. I want to be able to borrow money when I'm broke, instead of being a bank to everybody. I want to be able to have a home to visit, with two supporting parents, without them tearing each other down verbally and if they want to stay divorced, then I'm good with that, but DAMN, I need a place to rest my head, be a kid sometimes; eat brownies, watch silly sitcoms and just laugh until my ribs hurt. I want to feel safe around my dad and my mom. Instead, I feel like I'm holding this family together; like I need to always re-apply glue between us, anticipate my family's moods and needs, always worry, work hard so that one day, the money will be there and somehow, I'll buy Unity.
My dad hasn't found a place yet, he's rooming with my uncle. I'm taking him out for breakfast tomorrow. I guess it kind of hurts me that he doesn't call, that I have to take initiative for us to see/talk.

I'm sorry I haven't been a good 'bloggie 'lately, I'm back, though. I miss all of you and I'll be dropping by your blogs tonight :-0) GOOD NEWS: I got free Ben & Jerry's coupon because of this blog entry!!!

French Movies, Oui Oui.

Nana, played by Anna Karina

I have finished watching Jean Luc Godard's 'Vivre sa vie' (Live your life). It's a bittersweet movie; Nana, a 22 year old Parisian, dreams of becoming an actress. She dabbles in theater but life is hard, Nana cannot afford to pay rent and she never seems to make ends meet. She starts selling her body and meets Raoul, a local pimp. He takes her under his wing and explains to her the rules of the streets. Follows; financial abundance and a forced contentment.
Nana is a dreamer; she is sweet and kind, she dances wildly whilst laughing out loud, cries at movie screenings...
She is definitely not the streetwalker stereotype we usually see in motion pictures. Nana's daily get up is a cardigan sweater, a knee lentgh skirt, topped with a long black coat. 'Vivre sa vie' itself isn't a movie that casts judgment about les filles de rue, it simply presents a hopeful young woman who takes a detour in life that many women have taken before and after her.
Jean Luc Godard portrays Nana so beautifully, with scenes where a lover reads Edgar Poe, the camera steady on her bewildered expression. The actress is Anna Karina, Jean Luc Godard's wife (at the time). It's an oldie, shot in 1962, I believe.
I'm working until 6pm, then I am heading to Cinema du Parc for a screening of Soderbergh's 'The girl friend experience'. The actress is a 21 year old porn star, who's a fan of Jean Luc Godard. I'm very curious to see her performance as the reviews are favorable.
'Vivre sa vie' has left me in a state of uber-contentment. My creative juices are flowing, I had to pause the movie a couple times so I can work on a story (Single girl) I am currently writing.
La vie est très belle.

Patricia, played by Jean Seberg

Another muse; Jean Seberg. She was an American actress, her turbulent personal life almost out shadowed her filmography. I am yet to see a full performance but I am puzzled by her. She's such a classic beauty, perhaps it is the rebellious pixie cut. She is one of Jean Luc Godard's 'women', she played an American student/aspiring journalist in 'A bout de souffle' (Breathless). She had a very 'English' accent when speaking french, it threw me off. I don't like it, to be honest, I rather a smooth Parisian slang.

Living. Breathing. Eating Love.

.Latika, in Yellow.

I finished watching Slumdog Millionaire not too long ago. If any of you haven’t seen it yet (Go see it!) I will summarize the main idea of the story; some live by money, others by Love.
Jamel is in love with Latika, you see them from a young age (about 6-7) finding their way after their parents were murdered. They get separated yet Jamel cannot forget the little girl in the yellow dress. He searches for her throughout the years; he finds her on numerous occasions but circumstances keep them apart.
Love prevails, & the last scene (shot beautifully); the gorgeous Latika, draped in a Sunflower colored chale, they are finally reunited. Jamel is a hopeless idealist, his brother and him were forced to make a living since they were yay-high & so has Latika.
When Jamel finds Latika in adulthood, he sees she is the girlfriend of a notorious gangster. She is kept as a slave, it is hinted she is abused as well. But, she is there for survival; she grew up as an orphan & this is her way for shelter & food. Jamel proposes to run away. Latika protests; ‘What will we live off of?’ she asks,
Jamel says; ‘Love.’ His face is honest, so innocent despite his hard life,
Love story like these, I believed most of my life. I always felt like there was a soulmate (or many) for everyone on earth, but it is only by finding yourself, that you will be ‘directed’ to your other half... Silly, right? So, in good nature and because that’s how I am, I was honest, & open, with people on my life.
When I strayed from these principles, I assumed them, and God knows they were honest mistakes. I mention this because, there has been some people that have been trying to come back in my life after they’ve deceived me. I can’t say they caused me great grief but the trust(or benefit of the doubt) is no longer there.
I believe I mentioned before that I’m a person who solely forgives. It is my greatest challenge. When someone has breached my trust, it takes a lot to gain it back. I say this, because, somehow, someway, I know there is that seed of forgiveness deep inside me.
I have never trusted someone (again) that lost my initial trust. Never.
I still hold a grudge against this Jamaican girl in high school who spread rumours about me and threatened to beat me up, just because she was jealous her best guy friend liked me. I still can’t stand this big headed guy, who on my prom night, started a fight with me because of a misunderstanding (that didn’t concern him, by the way).
All this to say, that I wish that love, trust, respect, still had a meaning to people, like they did to the fictional character of Jamal. I wish that men would see the light in women, in such a way, that they would do go through hell and back, for their loved one. But, it’s not like that. Deceit is always lurking around the corner.

I still believe in soulmates, in the possibility of eternal love, happiness & trust. I still foresee that kind of relationship for myself, one of these days. It will not be soon, perhaps... I think it will come, unexpected but welcome, & when it does, I will have met my potential as a woman, friend, daughter... Therefore I won't be scared, confused or uncertain, I will embrace it.
I will live off Love.

17 again.

I just came back from the movies with the girls. We switched it up this week, as smoking Shisha regularly is doing havoc on all of our lungs. Apparently, one hour session of Shisha exposes you to 100 to 200 more smoke (inhaled) than a single cigarette. Not a good look.
So, instead, we stopped by McDonald's (one bad vice replaced by another) and grabbed a Big mac & Mccnuggets. We went to see '17 again.' I fell in love with Zac Efron (we all did) & we were all disappointed he didn't hook up with the hot mom, whilst in his '17 year old' body. Yes, quite sick indeed.
I'm home now, feeling a bit old. It's SO silly, as I am only 21, but the movie got me missing the simplicity and cruelty of high school. It was simple because it was prior to credit cards, tuition, cell phone bills and getting career 'experience', Cruel because every small thing seemed like the end of the world, low self-esteem had everyone jabbing at some one else and because it was like if I was a raw nerve, feeling everything so vividly...
I miss getting patties and drinking chubbies at recess, going to Jams and wearing pink from head to toe, because I was 'matching', ha. I didn't appreciate those moments, I was always living in the future, wanting to grow older and be independent. I miss liking a boy so much, after very little time and getting my heart crushed when he didn't call back, only to find out he liked me as much as I liked him. I miss writing notes in class, speculating if my crush is into me, getting so nervous when I saw him in the halls, being ecstatic when he invited me out. I miss all my prior philosophies, I believed; If you loved someone, it was inconceivable they wouldn't love you back, I'd marry my high school sweetheart, I'd be friends forever with my girlfriends...

If I got the chance to revisit my high school days, I'd do some things differently, but unfortunately, I probably won't get the chance to be sucked into a water cyclone, a la Zac Efron.

What I regret, & it is my only regret, that I don't love the same. I feel like an ice cube, sometimes, I feel like I'm melting & I'm going back to the old me. But then, the weather freezes & whatever I have gained, I lose twice fold.