Drinking coffee elsewhere.

I bumped into my ex, this prompted a curt telephone conversation and an invitation for coffee. I'm not proud to admit that it was my idea. He told me he didn't drink coffee anymore but he could get a hot chocolate.
This is really silly but I was floundered. For a good minute, my eyebrows furrowed, I muttered; he doesn't drink coffee anymore?!
See. My ex and I used to drink coffee in the morning together. It was a ritual, a sort of bonding routine, we were starting our day as one. I was never a big drinker until I started sharing my nights with him. Then, a good steaming cup of coffee came to signify a good start, the beginning to a good day. It was comforting. When we broke up, I continued our daily routine; a lover's truce.
So. My ex doesn't drink coffee anymore, I wonder what else has changed? I mean, I know that I've changed. The last 10 months have been eventful; I've felt, pondered, experienced things, people...
I used to dream of reconciliation; I hoped we could pick up where we left off, minus the pain, the struggling, the insecurity. I imagined that I could hold Babygirl's hands, as we strolled through streets, her father at my side. It's been time I drink my coffee elsewhere...

Fairy Tales.

When I was a little girl, I loved "Beauty and the beast", "Cinderella", "Snow White".
From a young age, my "Happily ever after" consisted of finding a man to love and to cherish. In fact, most of my girlfriends have been fed this bullshit. We fell in this trap; we've been searching for prince charming, whilst laying down with a whole lot of toads...

David introduced me to "FABLES" a graphic novel about all your favorite fairy tales characters, whom have been forced out of their lands and have taken refuge in New York City.

It's a beautiful, fresh satyr; Snow White, after killing the seven dwarfs (they used to sexually abuse her), divorced Prince Charming (after finding him on top of her sister, Rose Red), Cinderella was abandoned by her prince, Bigby (the big bad wolf) reformed and is currently a detective, Rose Red is dating Jack (the bean boy). You'll be happy to learn that Beauty and The Beast are still married, they go through their ups and downs, in fact they argue like an old couple (centuries of marital life might do that to you) but they are still in love.
OH. David and I broke up, by the way. We realized that we both had some issues to work out. Also, we had different expectations and perception of commitment etc... It was mutual, in fact; It was the cleanest break up I've ever had.

I'm re-evaluating my "Happily ever after". I want to be in love again, it will come, but I refuse this to dictate my happiness.

I'm wondering; Am I the only one that feels like happiness and love are one and the same?

Baby girl.

I had a very quiet day today; I did laundry, cleaned up the house and re-organized my closet. I wore baggy jeans, no bra and a V-neck shirt, no jewelry, no make up...I was alone with myself and my thoughts.

I had a nightmare about Baby girl. It was horrible and I am still shaken up about it. I called my ex and we talked on his break; he's doing fine and so is she. I guess I needed reassurance that she is well, there had been no accident nor illness. I know I'm not in her life anymore, I haven't seen her since March but this hasn't dampened my love.
Sometimes, I look at baby clothes, I think about picking up something for her. When I'm at the library, I pass next to the children section, and my fingers itch, they just want to grab a gazillion baby books. I can't help but miss having Baby girl in my life...

When we broke up, my ex told me I could see her whenever I wanted to, she used to ask him 'where's Jen?', to which he'd reply 'I don't know.' At the time, I was still angry, hurt, sad and his answer to her question seemed like a slap in the face. You don't know? You don't know? It seemed to me it implied complete free will on my part, like if I chose to forget about her, to withdraw from our weekly routines. I left because he was taking too much, he was bleeding me dry. Of course, you can't say this to a 2 year old.

Honestly, if I could, I'd see her every weekend. But I am less of a fool today, than I was then, and I know I'd lose her at some point.
When my ex would start dating again, my presence would be problematic. If I got into a disagreement with him and his love for me would have ran dry, he could cut our ties with a simple word.
When Baby girl stopped asking for me, I was hurt but relieved; she had forgotten about me, she's too young to remember so far back.
As well, I can't imagine having her in my life and dating anyone but her father. It would be awkward, like if I was juggling two separate lives and it wouldn't be fair for anyone involved. My ex hasn't dated anyone since we split (as far as I know) and he still calls me 'baby'. He's focusing on his career, on his daughter, on being a better man. A lot has changed in 9 months.

I've let go, I am not mourning him, it's just Baby girl that sill haunts me.
I have someone new in my life; It's weird to say; 'my boyfriend and I' again.
Baby steps, Baby steps,Baby steps.

Free 'Ben & Jerry' ice cream :-0)

“This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers!”

To participate, you must re-post a previous blog entry. The purpose of this contest is to evaluate your growth and how your life has changed since you first joined the blogging community...

Here it goes.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I believe I am the epitome of a woman who loses herself in the ones she loves. Sometimes I wonder what parts of me are authentic and which have been molded to please all the occupants of my heart. What is the core of my being? I guess, is my question.
It started with an innocent realization; when things got chaotic at home, I could always find refuge in another’s arms. With a man, I could be vulnerable to an extent I never felt possible with my girlfriends & my family. I always felt that I couldn’t show them I hurt or cried because I would be labeled weak. In consequence, they wouldn’t seek comfort in times of need; they would lose faith that I could be their backbone.
Throughout High school, home was synonym of an unfruitful marriage & financial stress. I was so emotionally drained from my family situation that I hid out at my best friend’s house every day after school.
I wanted someone who would care for me, be my nest outside my household. I was a lost girl who jumped into a relationship (out of comfort and not out of love). I shut off the voices and allowed myself to believe I loved him. I thought I could erase past hurts by creating a life with R.

1. We stayed together for 2.5 years.

If something guaranteed my happiness, he would provide. He really opened himself to me. Raw and uncut, every imperfection and thought was shared with me. I blended with him; I started watching wrestling, using organic products and avoiding prescription pills. I changed my views on sexuality and relationships. It felt so natural, like I was just maturing and evolving. In truth, I was being consumed by my boyfriend’s personality.
I would feel guilty when I doubted him. My feelings toward him were those of a sister towards her kin or a lost girl who searched for security in the arms of a man who offered friendship and love. I was blind for such a long time. How odd is it, that this man whom I thought my best friend and love is now a source of resentment and anger? With my ex, I never dared question the illusion. Even when writing out my thoughts and feelings, the evidence of my lack of love was flamboyant. Instead of being relieved and ending the relationship, I willowed in guilt. After all, did he not give me everything I should need? He used to tell me ‘You can lie to everyone, but never lie to yourself.’ It is an advice I have not followed.
When I suggested we part ways, he felt betrayed. Not only have I broken so many promises, he saw his future shatter in the lapse of a phrase. As much as I hurt him, I couldn’t stand being miserable any longer. I freed myself from the choke hold and the desperation that stemmed from being with someone I didn’t love. After the break up, I felt relieved but there was something missing. To occupy myself (i.e. pursue my addiction) I started hanging out with someone new...

Then, I fell in love; raw, profound, obsessive.

It happened so fast; I can’t pinpoint the ‘why’ or the ‘how’. One day, I was hanging out with him and the next; I was meeting the family, making future plans and spending every free moment together.

2- A month ago, I would have told you I had a Lover that was my sun and with whom I was utterly endeared, a Lover who had baggage as cumbersome as a moving truck and as dangerous as a loaded gun, for my heart at least.

Me and my ex, Summer 2008.

I would have said I agreed somehow between the Love making sessions, the long walks and his hands around my waist, to share his burdens.Some days, it felt like my spine was a twig about to snap in two. I was worried that we could only last if I silenced a part of me. I would say that we wore masks and had layers of doubt smeared on our hearts because we both have been hurt in the past.
It has been 8 months since we first made love and much has changed. We recently broke up. I still love him but I’ve made a decision with my head and I am (trying to) stick by it. I gave too much, too soon, to a man who has no idea where he is or where he is going. He is a good man, just confused and in lingo. His situation doesn’t allow me to have needs nor desires. I am expected to be a muted figurine in his life (while he gets his sh*t together) and then I will reap what I have sown.
After many fights, tears shed and unfruitful discussions, I had decided to call it quits. How much misguided disrespect should one take?

For the past few years, I have been searching for validation and comfort in the arms of men. Although I have been blessed with great parents, home was more of a battlefield than a sanctuary & men have been temporary shelters for me.

My ex and I remain on speaking terms. I doubt we will get back together. He has a lot of issues to deal with before he can be in a relationship (his words, not mine). Of course, we both knew this & the same is true about my current mindset.
We just hoped love and time would smooth out the bumps. We didn’t realize we weren’t dealing with the occasional disturbance but a daily collision.
He has the same addiction. He cannot recall a period of time when he didn’t have a woman. Likewise, his problem has roots in his upbringing but his story isn’t mine to tell. To solve a situation, you must first admit you have a problem. Then, you must change your behavior because you cannot modify your life unless you take initiative and break from the routine. You can’t do the same thing over and over again, and expect different outcomes.

It will take time, perhaps I will relapse. What I know is that I am no longer a little girl who needs rescue from an unbearable family life. I am the author of my life and I alone have the power to change

*****

A lot of things have changed since then. I still think about my ex, I yearn for the emotions I had for him, but I don't want to be with him. I miss his daughter, I miss the complicity, the mundane life that is made extraordinary by the breath of love.

But GOD, I do NOT miss the drama, tears, insecurity, uncertainty, abuse. I am happy; here, now, by myself.

Sunday Scribblings # 169: Toys

Baby girl and me, 2008. Before I cut my hair.

This week's prompt reminded me of someone who made my life richer and fuller. Because of this beautiful little person, I have discovered parts of me that wouldn't have been accessible for years and years to come.
Because of her, I found out that my love is infinite, unconsequential, non-discriminative. Although I display an impatient character at times, I am truly a well of patience when tested by events. I found out I can be tired as a dog yet find the energy to do the 'Baby Maniac' dance, romp on all fours for her amusement. I can console and nurture even when my own heart is breaking, I can discipline without being unkind, stand up for some one even though my own relationship (with her daddy) will suffer.
Baby girl didn't have a toy she would cling to like many toddlers cling to a blankie or a favorite doll. She liked to play with phones and dial numbers, then gibber in her baby language when she accidentally did call someone. She could sing 'No one' by Alicia Keys, she would wake up at dawn and wait for me to pick her up at the top of the stairs so she can sleep with 'daddy?!'.

She could be a bully, especially with smaller kids. She was perceptive, funny, smart and cunning. Even at a young age (2) she understood she was beautiful and if she pouted, she would get out of trouble, except with her immediate family who got used to her petty trick :-) She used to always ask for 'meelk' or 'juish', then 'cheeken'. Ah, the evolution.

Although, her daddy and me are no longer together, I think about baby girl on a daily basis, Sometimes, I wonder if she learned new songs or how long did her hair get, if she's happy and if she's getting enough veggies. She's surrounded by many loving people, so I rarely worry. I'm just hoping that she gets to see her daddy more often and that her parents have finally worked out their differences.

Clutter.

Hanging out with Claudio, aka Craig, a fellow actor.

Setting up the stage, with cast mates.

I've been thinking these past few days about the clutter in my life. I've been packing away the clothes and books I will be taking with me to the new apartment, giving away the 'unwanted' things that will ,perhaps, be somebody else's treasure.

My life for the past two weeks have been a swirl of unpredicted events/emotions, a lack of appetite, a couple tearful breakdowns and of course; theater, writing and partying. I've been attending restaurants, lounges, cafés and getting lost in the velvet background of the Ecohosting stage where we've had three performances, thus far.
I can't describe the rush I feel when the lights go up and down, when the audience laughs, the genuine accolades from strangers when they shake my hand at the end of a show and say 'That was great' or 'It was a privilege' or 'Amazing, really, good job'.

I went to see 'Reflections on giving birth to a Squid', I wanted to support other actors and also, get an idea of what everyone's bringing to the Fringe. I was BLOWN away by the talent. There were three actors, playing multiple roles. It was beautiful.

I've been focusing on Theater so much, I've given little attention to my love life because it is a hot mess just about now.

***
Lover came up with a 'I'm not sure about us' dialogue, that got me so upset because for the past three months, he has been harassing me into a relationship. So, we've been spending time together and I began waking up with him on my mind, talking about him, thinking about him. All of a sudden, He doesn't think we are compatible and bla bla bla... It's disgusting, I am wavering between wanting to burn down his apartment, not caring and bursting into tears because I would have never thought HE, out of all people, would just decide (out of the blue) that we are not 'working out'.

In the first place, 'US' wasn't my idea, it was his and he did everything in this world to make me want him (sending me flowers, sushi, cake, cooking for me, listening to my issues, having conversations that lasted hours, reading my stories...) and now, He doesn't think it's going to work! To make matters worse, he didn't tell me this up front, he just started disappearing, telling me he's confused etc... That's what irks me the most; Have the decency to let me know you want to stick to being friends. It's minimum respect.

I'm pissed off, if he had a car, the windows would've been broken, and the hood would have been spray painted. Wait, wait... breathe...breathe...breathe.

In a way, I understand his uncertainty. We are polar opposites. Que sera, sera. What will be, will be.

***

I've been organizing my life, throwing away what is no longer needed, wanted. It got me seeing things clearer, encouraged me to consider my emotional baggage. SOME people just keep popping in and out of my life, like string puppets; there for a minute, gone the next.
There have been men in my life who, for the last five-six years, have entertained the notion that I am 'theirs' because once, briefly or a long time ago, they truly mattered to me.

• I mean; S., my first 'real' boyfriend, still talks about how he messed up with me, that he's changed and that we can give it another shot. I was 16 back then. He was the moon, the stars and the sun. I ''credit'' him to be the first idiot to break my heart; he was seeing someone else and she was giving him something I wasn't. Hum, Hum. Today, he is a fond memory, an old friend. Nothing more.
  
• Then, there's Gemini. Our daddies grew up together, we dated for a brief (very brief time) when I was 17. In every conversation I've had with him in the last 5 years, we have either argued about who was wrong/right or he brings up the improbability of the future and how we will probably end up together. Of course, there were moments of my life when I called him for comfort. One occasion was about six months ago when I called him, sobbing uncontrollably at 4am. He talked me through it. We ended because he was just really mean. Oh, and because he was a bit too close to my best friend. Sometimes, I feel we are 'stuck' with each other. We have a lot of history, I still remember him when he was 14, I was 12; He had this messed up hair cut and rabbit teeth. Good times.
  
• T., a summer crush who lives in France. He goes through periods where he decides I am the one, the two and the three. He calls me, tries to coerce me into moving to Paris. He asks me if I still 'love' him. *sigh* I was 18, it wasn't love, it was lust. It was summer; sun, Parisian accent, his charm... T. is a cool guy, honestly. He is good looking, funny and he takes my humour (I make fun of him a lot) but he has lost all credibility in my eyes. He lies too much. We ended because he went back to Europe. T. sent me a beautiful pair of gold earrings, last month.


• Judo player is moving back to Montreal, July 1st, in my neighborhood (coincidence?!). I reminded him he hated living here and he loved Cali. But he said 'Yeah, but there's you.' I went in my claustrophobic mode and gently explained there wasn't a future for us, not now, not ever. (When we were seeing each other, He hooked up with this girl, whilst I was in the kitchen, drinking coffee) Yeah. I know. Of course, he believes that we can get back to what we 'used to be'. I am not sure what that is, to be honest.
  

As odd as it seems, I can't NOT answer their phone calls. I can't just change my number and forget about the good, the bad, the ugly. Perhaps, I enjoy having skeletons in my closet. Honestly, I think of certain periods of my life in terms of men I dated. There's always been someone; an anecdote I brew over with a girl friend. The things that used to hurt are rendered funny with time. I was so silly sometimes, I just laugh about the stupid things they said, the lies I believed. Other times, it makes it hard to trust men because I remember what happened when I did let my head rest...
Emotional clutter; I do need to close the loose ends. I feel like there's too many old flames, floating around me; it gets claustrophobic...But where does the cleaning start? What's so ironic about this; I've always seen myself as someone who would settle down and start a family young. It's funny where life takes you.

Sunday Scribblings # 166: Soul mates.

Totally unrelated to the post :-) I went to visit my friend, Cindy, on Saturday; both of our schedules have been hectic & now that things are calming down, we had a dinner (she's an amazing cook) & the traditional Red wine. We hit the club afterwards. The beautiful little girl is Michou, Cindy's daughter. I had to try the wig... Just had too. :-)

When I was a child, I held the unwavering belief that when you loved someone, they automatically loved you. It didn't cross my mind that one person can be in love with another, for years or a lifetime, without the other reciprocating.
Obviously, I ended up learning the true complexities of human relationships when a crush didn't return my affection & instead, took a liking to my best friend. I was 10 at the time.
Of course, I was bummed, but Edgar was every body's crush (my 2 sisters liked him, as well) & after I got over my deception, I felt proud that he has chosen MY best friend, it made him mine, in a twisted, childish way...

Years & many, many men later, my views on love & relationships shifted, were tossed away, replaced by new 'truths'.
Perhaps, the only concept that has remained intact is my belief in Soul mates.

I believe that a soul mate is someone that understands & nourishes you. He makes you dream; when you wake up in the morning, no matter the weather or the hectic week ahead, his presence soothes you, his words inspire & strengthen, his mind captivates.
He is an infinite well of goodness, positivity & love. He thinks you are beautiful even when you have the flu; your nose is runny & red, you have bags under your eyes & your lips are dry.

When he looks at the scar on your stomach, from a Cesarean, he sees creation & not ruin. He is a good father to your children; he tells them bed time stories, rubs Vicks on their backs when they are sick, plays dungeon & dragons. He teaches them about life, he isn't a minimalist, he shares the task of disciplining & raising your kids. In the household, you share chores; He will cook, he will clean, just as much as you do.

After all, he reminds you 'We are a team, & 'We' is only as strong as 'you' & 'me'.'
When you make love, there is no boundaries, no limits; your limbs become water & you become a vast Ocean; Him & you, You & him. Where does it end, where does it begin.

Of course, you will fight. There will be times when doors will be slammed, plates will be broken, when you will take a pillow & a blanket, sleep on the couch. Sometimes, you will wake up & make coffee & breakfast, only for yourself. You will say things to each other that you don't really mean. Perhaps, you will never make up.
Because, too often, Soul mates do break up.
Maybe one day, he will leave or you will change the locks, perhaps it will be cordial or will include a horde of lawyers & assessments of what belongs/ who's entitled to what.

BUT. No one you will ever meet will measure up to Him. What you've felt, what you've lived will never be re-created with the same strength, the same passion.

UNLESS, the Heavens truly adore you, & you stumble upon another soul mate. I believe that there's more than one, out there, for everyone.

Sometimes, you will meet a soul mate & tarnish the love, because you haven't taken the time to work on yourself. You don't know who you are, what you like, where you want to be. If you don't know where you're going, how can you know what you want from your Lover?

I believe it is important to fall in love with yourself, before you let anyone in. Spend some alone time, meditate, get your life together. Who are you? What do you need, now, what do you want; there is a difference between desires & needs. Figure it out.

The dangerous thing about Soul mates; He can be yours, but you might not be his. C'est la vie.

I'm not in love. It's just some thing I'm going through.

P.S Post's title is an R&B song by Mary J. Blige.

Oddly enough, I haven't written about the dates I have been on, nor' the men that had passed through my life these past few months of 'singledom'. I believe this is because this blog & its readers evoke a 'meet the parents' moment.
You don't bring every man home & in similar fashion, I decided to abstain from this subject until I met someone that I would (gulp) catch feelings for. The past few months have been a playground; I met new men but I rarely felt anything but genuine friendship. This is OBVIOUSLY because I was enjoying being by myself, waking up free from any emotional obligations & still dealing with my feelings for my X.

During this time, I've met...

• The Judo player, who introduced me to great red wine & taught me how to make 'real' Sicilian pasta sauce. I admired him because he had lived all over Africa & had the ability (that I lack) to drop everything on a whim & relocate to a new city (one that he's never visited) on the basis of hearsay. In similar manner, he recently moved to California. Why? Because he wanted to be near the sea.


• The Jamaican graphic artist. I'm not one to scream when I argue, but this one brought the unreasonable/bitchy side of me, to which I NEVER want to return to.


• The Cancer, as in his zodiac sign; sensitive, funny, my twin. We had many conversations that lasted hours on end. He is/was a great companion. Problem is/was his instability. it's weird, as both him & the Judo Player had deep mood swings, in which they'd cut themselves from the rest of the world for weeks, then come back literally...Manic; overjoyed with life, positive.


• The Diplomat. I met him through a friend & only in the Internet realm. For about a month & a half, we e-mailed 1-2 a day. He is one of those amazing people that you keep in contact forever & ever. He is currently residing in Cairo (he is graduating this month) & pursuing his master in London in the Fall. We will (hopefully) meet in Paris, this summer.

So. The reason why I'm bringing this up right now is because I am possibly...well...I think...I like someone & He's a very genuine, amazing person. I'm not sure where it will go, but I think if he still wants me (as I possibly messed it up with my stupidity) I think I am ready to start fresh & take baby steps towards something like...a relationship? Pheww. I've said it. This word has been a bit taboo for me lately, mainly because of fear but also because being single has allowed me to focus on me, me, me. So. This is a 'To be continued.'

Oh, & I've recently had a polite, respectful & simple (thank God) conversation with the X. I didn't feel sparks, regret, nostalgia...

We broke up November 7th, it took nearly 7 months but the worst has passed.

Living. Breathing. Eating Love.

.Latika, in Yellow.

I finished watching Slumdog Millionaire not too long ago. If any of you haven’t seen it yet (Go see it!) I will summarize the main idea of the story; some live by money, others by Love.
Jamel is in love with Latika, you see them from a young age (about 6-7) finding their way after their parents were murdered. They get separated yet Jamel cannot forget the little girl in the yellow dress. He searches for her throughout the years; he finds her on numerous occasions but circumstances keep them apart.
Love prevails, & the last scene (shot beautifully); the gorgeous Latika, draped in a Sunflower colored chale, they are finally reunited. Jamel is a hopeless idealist, his brother and him were forced to make a living since they were yay-high & so has Latika.
When Jamel finds Latika in adulthood, he sees she is the girlfriend of a notorious gangster. She is kept as a slave, it is hinted she is abused as well. But, she is there for survival; she grew up as an orphan & this is her way for shelter & food. Jamel proposes to run away. Latika protests; ‘What will we live off of?’ she asks,
Jamel says; ‘Love.’ His face is honest, so innocent despite his hard life,
Love story like these, I believed most of my life. I always felt like there was a soulmate (or many) for everyone on earth, but it is only by finding yourself, that you will be ‘directed’ to your other half... Silly, right? So, in good nature and because that’s how I am, I was honest, & open, with people on my life.
When I strayed from these principles, I assumed them, and God knows they were honest mistakes. I mention this because, there has been some people that have been trying to come back in my life after they’ve deceived me. I can’t say they caused me great grief but the trust(or benefit of the doubt) is no longer there.
I believe I mentioned before that I’m a person who solely forgives. It is my greatest challenge. When someone has breached my trust, it takes a lot to gain it back. I say this, because, somehow, someway, I know there is that seed of forgiveness deep inside me.
I have never trusted someone (again) that lost my initial trust. Never.
I still hold a grudge against this Jamaican girl in high school who spread rumours about me and threatened to beat me up, just because she was jealous her best guy friend liked me. I still can’t stand this big headed guy, who on my prom night, started a fight with me because of a misunderstanding (that didn’t concern him, by the way).
All this to say, that I wish that love, trust, respect, still had a meaning to people, like they did to the fictional character of Jamal. I wish that men would see the light in women, in such a way, that they would do go through hell and back, for their loved one. But, it’s not like that. Deceit is always lurking around the corner.

I still believe in soulmates, in the possibility of eternal love, happiness & trust. I still foresee that kind of relationship for myself, one of these days. It will not be soon, perhaps... I think it will come, unexpected but welcome, & when it does, I will have met my potential as a woman, friend, daughter... Therefore I won't be scared, confused or uncertain, I will embrace it.
I will live off Love.

Love is Stronger than Pride.

I'm wearing his shirt. That night, I remember he was making food for Baby girl, I was so happy & in Love.

I was washing my hair tonight, & whilst in the bath, I remembered certain episodes with my ex that anger & shame me. In my love for him, I did a lot of stupid things, perhaps as much as most women do when in love. But there`s a difference in admitting to my stupidity, than owing up to it. It`s easy to say (in darkness) I did `idiotic `things, than to actually be honest & open about what these errors truly were...
I borrowed him a lot of money, invested in a business idea (with my tuition money). When making a weekly budget, I`d calculate his bus pass (when he quit his job, again, because he was depressed etc...), I`d buy food, cook for him, clean; I was his maid, his lover, his mother, all wrapped up in one, with a ribbon on it.
One day, I woke up because I sensed his daughter had awoken, I went to get her at the top of the staircase. She didn`t want to go back down, as she wanted `meelk` (milk was baby girl`s life at the time, she could live on it! Now, it`s `chickeen, I wan chickeen.`) I was wearing a top and panties, so I didn’t want to prance around his brother`s house nearly naked, as well, I was off to work and I had 30 minutes to get more sleep. I went back downstairs and woke up my ex, and asked him if he could `please give baby girl some milk.’ He complained, told me to do it, I persisted and waited until he got up and fed her. This small incident turned into a big affair. He was SO mad at me, said I didn’t want to feed his daughter, that I couldn`t be a good mother to her etc... I remember crying over it. I was so upset. He made it seem like I would have let baby girl starve, because she wasn`t my flesh & blood.
Another time, I was sad because things weren`t good between us; we were fighting so much. We were walking on the street & he looks at me & says; `You are so ugly, you don`t smile anymore`. I burst out in tears, again. There were so many instances when I put up and kept shut, out of fear of getting him mad. Like when he belittled me in public, telling me to `shut my mouth & not interrupt him.`, when he made displaced comments about me being so `white’ or when he called me crazy when I tried to communicate with him, when he threw my cell phone against the wall when I refused to listen to him... These are such little things, but they made me wonder if I was in a good place, or in a potentially destructive relationship.
Perhaps, what hurts me the most out of everything that happened is when he accused me of trying to trick him & get myself pregnant by him. We were nervous, as my period was late. I told him that I could do it, have the baby, I`d figure things out. I didn`t want to say `we`, I wanted him to say it.
Instead, he assured me he`d be there for the child but he`d leave me because I did it on purpose. I told him `go, I don`t need you. I can do this alone` I knew he was scared, & he didn`t mean it, he had one child already & he barely made rent each month. In my head, I was just like `The ONLY time I need you to be there for me, & you make it all about you. `
Bu it wasn`t all bad.
There were aspects of him that were so good, so pure... He was a good listener, he took care of you when he could, presented you to his family & friends, made sure you were comfortable, made sure you ate. He was smart, very wise, yet he lacked the expertise to apply his knowledge in his own life. He was funny too, such a good dancer & even a better lover. He knew how to talk, he was so smooth. I think he's one of the very few people in my life, that listened to my problems with such intent & goodwill.
There are certain things that transpired between us, which in time were almost holy. Moments in which I saw a life path in the whisper of his words, & a soul mate in the depth of his trust & support. It is always those you keep near, who will be the dagger to your heart.
I feel that if I keep what shames me inside, it will keep me from truly healing & letting the ice melt.
So here it is, I did some very stupid things indeed; Love is stronger than pride.

17 again.

I just came back from the movies with the girls. We switched it up this week, as smoking Shisha regularly is doing havoc on all of our lungs. Apparently, one hour session of Shisha exposes you to 100 to 200 more smoke (inhaled) than a single cigarette. Not a good look.
So, instead, we stopped by McDonald's (one bad vice replaced by another) and grabbed a Big mac & Mccnuggets. We went to see '17 again.' I fell in love with Zac Efron (we all did) & we were all disappointed he didn't hook up with the hot mom, whilst in his '17 year old' body. Yes, quite sick indeed.
I'm home now, feeling a bit old. It's SO silly, as I am only 21, but the movie got me missing the simplicity and cruelty of high school. It was simple because it was prior to credit cards, tuition, cell phone bills and getting career 'experience', Cruel because every small thing seemed like the end of the world, low self-esteem had everyone jabbing at some one else and because it was like if I was a raw nerve, feeling everything so vividly...
I miss getting patties and drinking chubbies at recess, going to Jams and wearing pink from head to toe, because I was 'matching', ha. I didn't appreciate those moments, I was always living in the future, wanting to grow older and be independent. I miss liking a boy so much, after very little time and getting my heart crushed when he didn't call back, only to find out he liked me as much as I liked him. I miss writing notes in class, speculating if my crush is into me, getting so nervous when I saw him in the halls, being ecstatic when he invited me out. I miss all my prior philosophies, I believed; If you loved someone, it was inconceivable they wouldn't love you back, I'd marry my high school sweetheart, I'd be friends forever with my girlfriends...

If I got the chance to revisit my high school days, I'd do some things differently, but unfortunately, I probably won't get the chance to be sucked into a water cyclone, a la Zac Efron.

What I regret, & it is my only regret, that I don't love the same. I feel like an ice cube, sometimes, I feel like I'm melting & I'm going back to the old me. But then, the weather freezes & whatever I have gained, I lose twice fold.

On Love&Trust.

Luck (or fate) has it that my character, Lola, says my favorite line in the play:

‘‘No.You’re not (in love with her). If you were really in love, you wouldn’t say ‘Yes’, like that. Cause love is scary and you’re never sure whether you’re in it or not. And you’d never say it like that ‘Yes’. (You’d say) ‘Yes, I am in love’’

When you love blindly; you are always restless, your heart is a frail crystal & you have placed it on the edge of a high cliff. Its preservation depends on elements out of your control; if the wind is too strong, or too weak, if there is erosion of the stone, the crystal will fall into the abyss & shatter into a thousand pieces. Your lover may give his love in return, but who will be the trashing wind, who will be the hand that seals the crystal’s faith?
Love alone, the passionate lustful hopeful love, will come to an end. If you accompany it with trust, it will transform into a soothing love that defies time & logic.

Yesterday, I felt champagne bubbles in my head. I can’t explain, words fail me, but it means that the ice inside me is melting. It’s scary, it’s freeing, it’s exciting.
I feel like the old me is resurfacing, bit by bit.
I love&trust myself.

At this Junction of my life, I chose to live amongst the flowers, not the thorns.

This Saturday, I was at my friend's daughter's birthday party. I was waiting for this event impatiently as my X and his daughter were to attend.
I was nervous, a bit scared, curious to see if my emotions would unravel at his sight.
The past month, I had been hitting the gym twice a week, obsessing over small details; I wanted him to see me, have a sudden epiphany, regret that he didn't try harder, that he didn't beg me to stay with him. If you ask me, He was the problem, not I.
I was so hurt when we broke up, so confused, so angry. I felt so STUPID to have invested so much emotions, so much money, so much energy into someone...
But then I saw him.
& throughout the night, I was reminded why I fell in love with him in the first place. He was still funny, silly, simple...For the past 5 months, I've hung unto the bad memories, dwelling on his bad qualities; it was easier this way, nurturing my hate towards him helped me overcome my love for him.
Seeing his daughter was something else. I bought her a pyjama and a playdough spaghetti factory, but when it came to giving it to her, I just felt so silly.
She didn't remember me. She asked me 'what's your name?'
Every word was like a small needle puncturing my heart. I know she's just a child, but I hoped she remembered all the weekends I have spent with her ; teaching her to dance, feeding her, cleaning up after her when she was being potty trained...
As heartbreaking it was, her loss of memory was also a relief. I could move on without leaving Babygirl behind. I wouldn't be hurting her feelings, she had already made her goodbyes, her child eyes will meet, forget, new people, new places, new situations.
I will always remember the joy and learning she had brought in my life but it doesn't feel as real, with her amnesia.
As for her father, I didn't cry, I didn't regret, I didn't feel my heart breaking...again.
We were polite, even exchanged some jokes. I'm going to be good from now on, I am closing that part of my life, I'm making peace with my mistakes.

Right now, I am in bed. Sick. There seems to be a virus going around; your throat gets swollen, your body aches, your nose is stuffed.
The good/sweet news is that a friend was so kind, he sent me sushi and flowers 2 days ago, and a chocolate cake today. Awww.
:)

Column 1: Honesty at last

(From left; Me, my older sister M. & Baby sis T. Poland, circa 1992)

I believe I am the epitome of a woman who loses herself in the ones she loves. Sometimes I wonder what parts of me are authentic and which have been molded to please all the occupants of my heart. What is the core of my being? I guess, is my question.

It started with an innocent realization; when things got chaotic at home, I could always find refuge in another’s arms. With a man, I could be vulnerable to an extent I never felt possible with my girlfriends & my family. I always felt that I couldn’t show them I hurt or cried because I would be labeled weak. In consequence, they wouldn’t seek comfort in times of need; they would lose faith that I could be their backbone.

Throughout High school, home was synonym of an unfruitful marriage & financial stress. I was so emotionally drained from my family situation that I hid out at my best friend’s house every day after school.

I wanted someone who would care for me & be my nest outside my household. I was a lost girl who jumped into a relationship (out of comfort and not out of love). I shut off the voices & allowed myself to believe I loved him. I thought I could erase past hurts by creating a life with him.

1. We stayed together for 2.5 years.

If something guaranteed my happiness, he would provide. He really opened himself to me. Raw & uncut, every imperfection & thought was shared with me. I blended with him; I started watching wrestling, using organic products & avoiding prescription pills. I changed my views on sexuality & relationships. It felt so natural, like I was just maturing and evolving. In truth, I was being consumed by my boyfriend’s personality. I would feel guilty when I doubted him. My feelings toward him were those of a sister towards her kin or a lost girl who searched for security in the arms of a man who offered friendship & love. I was blind for such a long time. How odd is it, that this man whom I thought my best friend and love is now a source of resentment and anger? With my ex, I never dared question the illusion. Even when writing out my thoughts & feelings, the evidence of my lack of love was flamboyant. Instead of being relieved & ending the relationship, I willowed in guilt. After all, did he not give me everything I should need? He used to tell me ‘You can lie to everyone, but never lie to yourself.’ It is an advice I have not followed. When I suggested we part ways, he felt betrayed. Not only have I broken so many promises, he saw his future shatter in the lapse of a phrase. As much as I hurt him, I couldn’t stand being miserable any longer. I freed myself from the chokehold & the desperation that stemmed from being with someone I didn’t love. After the break up, I felt relieved but there was something missing. To occupy myself (i.e. pursue my addiction) I started hanging out with someone new.

Then, I fell in love; raw, profound, obsessive.

It happened so fast; I can’t pinpoint the ‘why’ or the ‘how’. One day, I was hanging out with him & the next; I was meeting the family, making future plans & spending every free moment together. 2- A month ago, I would have told you I had a Lover that was my sun & with whom I was utterly endeared, a Lover who had baggage as cumbersome as a moving truck & as dangerous as a loaded gun, for my heart at least. I would have said I agreed somehow between the Love making sessions, the long walks & his hands around my waist, to share his burdens.Some days, it felt like my spine was a twig about to snap in two. I was worried that we could only last if I silenced a part of me. I would say that we wore masks & had layers of doubt smeared on our hearts because we both have been hurt in the past. It has been 8 months since we first made love & much has changed. We recently broke up. I still love him but I’ve made a decision with my head & I am (trying to) stick by it. I gave too much, too soon, to a man who has no idea where he is or where he is going. He is a good man, just confused & in lingo. His situation doesn’t allow me to have needs nor desires. I am expected to be a muted figurant in his life (while he gets his sh*t together) & then I will reap what I have sown. After many fights, tears shed & unfruitful discussions, I had decided to call it quits. How much misguided disrespect should one take? For the past few years, I have been searching for validation & comfort in the arms of men. Although I have been blessed with great parents, home was more of a battlefield than a sanctuary & men have been temporary shelters for me.

My X & I remain on speaking terms. I doubt we will get back together. He has a lot of issues to deal with before he can be in a relationship (his words, not mine). Of course, we both knew this & the same is true about my current mindset. We just hoped love & time would smooth out the bumps. We didn’t realize we weren’t dealing with the occasional disturbance but a daily collision. He has the same addiction. He cannot recall a period of time when he didn’t have a woman. Likewise, his problem has roots in his upbringing but his story isn’t mine to tell. To solve a situation, you must first admit you have a problem. Then, you must change your behavior because you cannot modify your life unless you take initiative & break from the routine. You can’t do the same thing over & over again & expect different outcomes.It will take time, perhaps I will relapse. What I know is that I am no longer a little girl who needs rescue from an unbearable family life. I am the author of my life & I alone have the power to change.