Blame it on the 'Kokol.

Every time I wake up from a night of hard drinking and partying, I tell myself; 'No more. You will never again drink that much in your life!' Of course, I never respect my temporary wisdom, as a few weeks later, I find myself tip toeing back to my apartment, lying my head on my pillow and hoping the room would stop spinning long enough for me to fall asleep.

Alcohol is ingrained in my culture; I'm Polish and we, right next to Russians, are known to be heavy drinkers. Since I've been a little girl there has always been an alcohol bottle lying around somewhere in the house and if somehow that bottle was empty, it was only because the fridge was empty as well.

Three years ago, I went to the Kaszuby, a Polish region situated next to the sea. I was accompanied by my family and some friends, the weather was awful; it was always raining, we never got the chance to swim in the sea. Of course, we made the best out of our stay; my mother and aunts decided to brave the rain and take a walk in the forest. They came back, drenched and instead of fixing themselves a hot cup of cocoa or tea, my aunt eagerly stated; "I'm heating up the beer, anybody wants some?"

My family and drinking partners; Aunts, sister and baby cousin.

When I was in Poland, I drank with my family every single night. I'm not a big fan of hard liquor, I enjoy wine and beer or softer drinks like Baileys and Amarula. There were always plenty at my aunt's house. I must note here that drinking with your parents, is like a 'coming of age' ritual. Before I go any farther; drinking regularly and alcoholism are two different things. My grand father was an alcoholic, he was a soldier, a quiet man with a quick temper, a man that internalized his emotions and never spoke about them. For over two decades, he abused his body and let alcohol rule his life. My grand mother stuck by him, until finally, he healed. When I was born, my grand father was already sober. I never saw him as anyone but a great man I will always love and respect. My grand mother, my Babcia, has an aversion to alcohol. She knows what it can do; if you bury your emotions in a bottle of vodka, it will eventually bury you. She doesn't like when we drink around her, her bright blue eyes crease with worry.

Moderately, alcohol 'Kokol' adds fun to an evening, or if you're an avid wine drinker, it can complement a meal and give it more flavor. Last night, as we celebrated the New Year at my friends' Sulli and Yannick's house, we witnessed many sides of alcohol.
An argument erupted, and because both parties were intoxicated, it took a bigger connotation than it would have if same words were spoken when sober. In fact, these words would have never been spoken if alcohol didn't lower every body's inhibitions.
Overall, alcohol added fun to our night; we had Wii tournaments (I got my butt kicked in boxing, but I won a tennis match. ha), we had chicha, good food, good music and most importantly good company. I shouldn't have mixed my drinks so much, I did get teary towards the end of the night when I decided to smooth things over with my ex-lover; we have friends in common and although we decided previously (for the sake of our future relationships) to no longer keep contact, we bump into each other sometimes. I wanted to start my year with a clean slate, and although I didn't get to the bottom of everything that happened between us, I am willing to accept that I will never get my answers. I don't think he has them, and I no longer feel they are important to me.

I can't believe it but I can (finally) say this; My heart and my mind are at ease. They aren't longing for a lost love or a past life...I am so excited about this New Year. Big things popping ;-)

I'm starting out my New Year Resolution. While on my way to work (Yes, I work today, until 9 pm) I realized that doing something creative, greener, compassionate once a day isn"t as easy as I first thought it would be. I mean, I brought my coffee thermos to work today, therefore, I will not use any paper cups, but does this really qualify as 'greening' my life? I don't think so.
I will start with a small step; today, I will write my post, edit my short story 'Wives and Lovers', and I will make my first Indian Chai tea, the 'proper' way with Cardamom pods and Ginger root.
Snall steps ;-)

Trainspotting.

I haven't posted in a week, I guess I only write in my blog when I have an urge, an obscene 'need to put it on paper and share my thoughts' rush that has me, in front of the screen, at wee hours of the night. These past few days, I've been writing the stories of other people; I've been pouring my own discomfort into the heartbroken Emma, bitter Mellie, Ricardo who's so out of touch with reality, he turns to drugs and runs away, and the around-the way Pancake.
These are the characters from my new 'short' story 'Single girl' or 'Blossoms', I'm not sure which yet. I've been enthralled with the movie 'Trainspotting', the brilliance of the plot and imagery has inspired me and I've been 'pushing' my writing, adding challenge to the plot, 'Push harder, what are you trying to say/show? Make them see, don't tell them!' says a voice in my head. I've been a mad scientist. If you get the chance, WATCH it, it's intelligent, sexy, funny, poignant... I mean, I think I am in love with Ewan Mcgregor and Johnny Lee Miller, because of this movie...

In other news, I've been dealing with family adjustments; I'm trying to find the balance between being a daughter and an adult, whilst still breaking old habits and draining co-dependencies. I'm the 'go to' girl, you need money? you need to talk? you need someone to fix it, when you can't? You know who has a 'future'? Wait, wait, maybe you need someone to carry your burden? Who do you call?
Me, apparently.
And I'll say it here, loud and clear: I'm sick of it. I want to be a daughter again, not a 'parent' to my parents, nor' to my siblings. I want to be able to borrow money when I'm broke, instead of being a bank to everybody. I want to be able to have a home to visit, with two supporting parents, without them tearing each other down verbally and if they want to stay divorced, then I'm good with that, but DAMN, I need a place to rest my head, be a kid sometimes; eat brownies, watch silly sitcoms and just laugh until my ribs hurt. I want to feel safe around my dad and my mom. Instead, I feel like I'm holding this family together; like I need to always re-apply glue between us, anticipate my family's moods and needs, always worry, work hard so that one day, the money will be there and somehow, I'll buy Unity.
My dad hasn't found a place yet, he's rooming with my uncle. I'm taking him out for breakfast tomorrow. I guess it kind of hurts me that he doesn't call, that I have to take initiative for us to see/talk.

I'm sorry I haven't been a good 'bloggie 'lately, I'm back, though. I miss all of you and I'll be dropping by your blogs tonight :-0) GOOD NEWS: I got free Ben & Jerry's coupon because of this blog entry!!!