To participate, you must re-post a previous blog entry. The purpose of this contest is to evaluate your growth and how your life has changed since you first joined the blogging community...
Here it goes.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I believe I am the epitome of a woman who loses herself in the ones she loves. Sometimes I wonder what parts of me are authentic and which have been molded to please all the occupants of my heart. What is the core of my being? I guess, is my question.
It started with an innocent realization; when things got chaotic at home, I could always find refuge in another’s arms. With a man, I could be vulnerable to an extent I never felt possible with my girlfriends & my family. I always felt that I couldn’t show them I hurt or cried because I would be labeled weak. In consequence, they wouldn’t seek comfort in times of need; they would lose faith that I could be their backbone.
Throughout High school, home was synonym of an unfruitful marriage & financial stress. I was so emotionally drained from my family situation that I hid out at my best friend’s house every day after school.
I wanted someone who would care for me, be my nest outside my household. I was a lost girl who jumped into a relationship (out of comfort and not out of love). I shut off the voices and allowed myself to believe I loved him. I thought I could erase past hurts by creating a life with R.
1. We stayed together for 2.5 years.
If something guaranteed my happiness, he would provide. He really opened himself to me. Raw and uncut, every imperfection and thought was shared with me. I blended with him; I started watching wrestling, using organic products and avoiding prescription pills. I changed my views on sexuality and relationships. It felt so natural, like I was just maturing and evolving. In truth, I was being consumed by my boyfriend’s personality.
I would feel guilty when I doubted him. My feelings toward him were those of a sister towards her kin or a lost girl who searched for security in the arms of a man who offered friendship and love. I was blind for such a long time. How odd is it, that this man whom I thought my best friend and love is now a source of resentment and anger? With my ex, I never dared question the illusion. Even when writing out my thoughts and feelings, the evidence of my lack of love was flamboyant. Instead of being relieved and ending the relationship, I willowed in guilt. After all, did he not give me everything I should need? He used to tell me ‘You can lie to everyone, but never lie to yourself.’ It is an advice I have not followed.
When I suggested we part ways, he felt betrayed. Not only have I broken so many promises, he saw his future shatter in the lapse of a phrase. As much as I hurt him, I couldn’t stand being miserable any longer. I freed myself from the choke hold and the desperation that stemmed from being with someone I didn’t love. After the break up, I felt relieved but there was something missing. To occupy myself (i.e. pursue my addiction) I started hanging out with someone new...
Then, I fell in love; raw, profound, obsessive.
It happened so fast; I can’t pinpoint the ‘why’ or the ‘how’. One day, I was hanging out with him and the next; I was meeting the family, making future plans and spending every free moment together.
2- A month ago, I would have told you I had a Lover that was my sun and with whom I was utterly endeared, a Lover who had baggage as cumbersome as a moving truck and as dangerous as a loaded gun, for my heart at least.
Me and my ex, Summer 2008.
I would have said I agreed somehow between the Love making sessions, the long walks and his hands around my waist, to share his burdens.Some days, it felt like my spine was a twig about to snap in two. I was worried that we could only last if I silenced a part of me. I would say that we wore masks and had layers of doubt smeared on our hearts because we both have been hurt in the past.
It has been 8 months since we first made love and much has changed. We recently broke up. I still love him but I’ve made a decision with my head and I am (trying to) stick by it. I gave too much, too soon, to a man who has no idea where he is or where he is going. He is a good man, just confused and in lingo. His situation doesn’t allow me to have needs nor desires. I am expected to be a muted figurine in his life (while he gets his sh*t together) and then I will reap what I have sown.
After many fights, tears shed and unfruitful discussions, I had decided to call it quits. How much misguided disrespect should one take?
For the past few years, I have been searching for validation and comfort in the arms of men. Although I have been blessed with great parents, home was more of a battlefield than a sanctuary & men have been temporary shelters for me.
My ex and I remain on speaking terms. I doubt we will get back together. He has a lot of issues to deal with before he can be in a relationship (his words, not mine). Of course, we both knew this & the same is true about my current mindset.
We just hoped love and time would smooth out the bumps. We didn’t realize we weren’t dealing with the occasional disturbance but a daily collision.
He has the same addiction. He cannot recall a period of time when he didn’t have a woman. Likewise, his problem has roots in his upbringing but his story isn’t mine to tell. To solve a situation, you must first admit you have a problem. Then, you must change your behavior because you cannot modify your life unless you take initiative and break from the routine. You can’t do the same thing over and over again, and expect different outcomes.
It will take time, perhaps I will relapse. What I know is that I am no longer a little girl who needs rescue from an unbearable family life. I am the author of my life and I alone have the power to change
A lot of things have changed since then. I still think about my ex, I yearn for the emotions I had for him, but I don't want to be with him. I miss his daughter, I miss the complicity, the mundane life that is made extraordinary by the breath of love.
But GOD, I do NOT miss the drama, tears, insecurity, uncertainty, abuse. I am happy; here, now, by myself.