At this Junction of my life, I chose to live amongst the flowers, not the thorns.

This Saturday, I was at my friend's daughter's birthday party. I was waiting for this event impatiently as my X and his daughter were to attend.
I was nervous, a bit scared, curious to see if my emotions would unravel at his sight.
The past month, I had been hitting the gym twice a week, obsessing over small details; I wanted him to see me, have a sudden epiphany, regret that he didn't try harder, that he didn't beg me to stay with him. If you ask me, He was the problem, not I.
I was so hurt when we broke up, so confused, so angry. I felt so STUPID to have invested so much emotions, so much money, so much energy into someone...
But then I saw him.
& throughout the night, I was reminded why I fell in love with him in the first place. He was still funny, silly, simple...For the past 5 months, I've hung unto the bad memories, dwelling on his bad qualities; it was easier this way, nurturing my hate towards him helped me overcome my love for him.
Seeing his daughter was something else. I bought her a pyjama and a playdough spaghetti factory, but when it came to giving it to her, I just felt so silly.
She didn't remember me. She asked me 'what's your name?'
Every word was like a small needle puncturing my heart. I know she's just a child, but I hoped she remembered all the weekends I have spent with her ; teaching her to dance, feeding her, cleaning up after her when she was being potty trained...
As heartbreaking it was, her loss of memory was also a relief. I could move on without leaving Babygirl behind. I wouldn't be hurting her feelings, she had already made her goodbyes, her child eyes will meet, forget, new people, new places, new situations.
I will always remember the joy and learning she had brought in my life but it doesn't feel as real, with her amnesia.
As for her father, I didn't cry, I didn't regret, I didn't feel my heart breaking...again.
We were polite, even exchanged some jokes. I'm going to be good from now on, I am closing that part of my life, I'm making peace with my mistakes.

Right now, I am in bed. Sick. There seems to be a virus going around; your throat gets swollen, your body aches, your nose is stuffed.
The good/sweet news is that a friend was so kind, he sent me sushi and flowers 2 days ago, and a chocolate cake today. Awww.
:)

Column 10: Day & night.

Is it normal to feel a void whenever he comes back, through a meaningless call or rushed text message, in my life. Is it normal that my world is destablized with active knowledge of his presence, the awareness that somewhere, with someone, He is recreating moments I thought would remain intimate & secret for eternity. Is it normal that, I would willingly put myself in hot water, just to be near a man that reminds me of him. A man that could potentially leave me broken like a doll, because he has all the qualities & abrasiveness, my X once possessed.
Is it normal, that I feel taken back with anger, that he closed our joint account without my presence. I thought that, bank procedures would prohibit single decisions, that we would both have to terminate a stupid account, who the fuck is crazy enough to make financial decisions after so little time, with awareness of his frugality. Me. Of course.
Of course, had I known I could have closed the account, I would have done it the day after I cut my hair, painted my heart black, iced my fucking soul. But. I hate that he's done (yet another)something without consulting me, without at least, letting me know that another bridge has burned.
There's still the car we had bought. Most likely, abused by winter, but still parked in his brother's drive way. Still rusty, but magnificent in its symbolic emblem.
Little car, did you know you used to be a carrier of hope? That, I thought that you'd help him get back on the road, fool him to believe that he could rebuild, acquire autonomy through you?
But I was wrong. It was all for naught.
I feel used. I feel like my love has been taken for a weakness. I feel like we broke up in October, then yet again November, & I cannot spend a day without thinking of him...
Day & night, loneliness is my second skin.
I know that there's much worse in the world than heartbreak, I also know that, one day, I wll wake up & feel silly for ever giving him the time of day. But I also know, that when it comes to loving again so freely, I will not, I cannot.

So. God. Next time, I feel my heart pound out of my chest, next time, I smell flowers blossoming in winter, next time I hear roll drums; I need complete reassrance.
Because I refuse to put my heart in a man’s palm if you cannot justify who you are, if you do not prove to me, that this man knows what he wants from me. That this man loves me, & not only the support and comfort I have offered him this far. I need to know that this man loves my mind, that he respects my emotions, that his goal is my well-being and growth. I need to know, God, that he will not take advantage of my weaknesses, that he will not impose his will on me, that he will not take and take, without offering anything in return...
Because. Honestly. I am drained.