Monday, July 13, 2009

Trainspotting.

I haven't posted in a week, I guess I only write in my blog when I have an urge, an obscene 'need to put it on paper and share my thoughts' rush that has me, in front of the screen, at wee hours of the night. These past few days, I've been writing the stories of other people; I've been pouring my own discomfort into the heartbroken Emma, bitter Mellie, Ricardo who's so out of touch with reality, he turns to drugs and runs away, and the around-the way Pancake.
These are the characters from my new 'short' story 'Single girl' or 'Blossoms', I'm not sure which yet. I've been enthralled with the movie 'Trainspotting', the brilliance of the plot and imagery has inspired me and I've been 'pushing' my writing, adding challenge to the plot, 'Push harder, what are you trying to say/show? Make them see, don't tell them!' says a voice in my head. I've been a mad scientist. If you get the chance, WATCH it, it's intelligent, sexy, funny, poignant... I mean, I think I am in love with Ewan Mcgregor and Johnny Lee Miller, because of this movie...

In other news, I've been dealing with family adjustments; I'm trying to find the balance between being a daughter and an adult, whilst still breaking old habits and draining co-dependencies. I'm the 'go to' girl, you need money? you need to talk? you need someone to fix it, when you can't? You know who has a 'future'? Wait, wait, maybe you need someone to carry your burden? Who do you call?
Me, apparently.
And I'll say it here, loud and clear: I'm sick of it. I want to be a daughter again, not a 'parent' to my parents, nor' to my siblings. I want to be able to borrow money when I'm broke, instead of being a bank to everybody. I want to be able to have a home to visit, with two supporting parents, without them tearing each other down verbally and if they want to stay divorced, then I'm good with that, but DAMN, I need a place to rest my head, be a kid sometimes; eat brownies, watch silly sitcoms and just laugh until my ribs hurt. I want to feel safe around my dad and my mom. Instead, I feel like I'm holding this family together; like I need to always re-apply glue between us, anticipate my family's moods and needs, always worry, work hard so that one day, the money will be there and somehow, I'll buy Unity.
My dad hasn't found a place yet, he's rooming with my uncle. I'm taking him out for breakfast tomorrow. I guess it kind of hurts me that he doesn't call, that I have to take initiative for us to see/talk.

I'm sorry I haven't been a good 'bloggie 'lately, I'm back, though. I miss all of you and I'll be dropping by your blogs tonight :-0) GOOD NEWS: I got free Ben & Jerry's coupon because of this blog entry!!!

8 comments:

Ev`Yan || apricot tea. said...

hey girl, I don't know if you know this, but I posted your advice submission on ask apricot. I tried sending you an email when it was posted -- a few weeks ago -- but it got sent back! Either way, here is the link, if you haven't seen it already:

http://askapricot.com/2009/07/what-should-i-wear-with-my-black-harem-pants/

Retromus-ik said...

Talk to them about this, I would say would be the best thing. They'd probably be more considerate if they knew how much it was draining and upsetting you...

tangerine: said...

hey honey! i have hardly been around in bloggerland either, but i just wanted to tell you i adore you and have still been around to read your posts. i bought a kitten so i think it's about time i post pictures of her and my apartment! so that should be soon. otherwise my writer's block is back with a vengeance, and i've had a few friends coming to visit at my apartment and that's kept me almost too busy, haha.

i hope all is well, and that you've found some time to just be nana, and eat brownies and watch sitcoms. instead of saving and taking care of everyone, you deserve time to simply take care of yourself!

latree said...

I think Retromus-ik is right. try to talk and hope there will be a way out

be strong, big girl!

blessingboats said...

somehow, after perusing thru your blogs, I've somehow developed an affinity with this daughter's geography...solely because of how twinned we are or tonguetied in hopes.

Anyways, hurry up & finish those stories...their completion maybe the repose your soul craves.

Passion Fruit said...

My mother used to call me 'the strong one' because of how I dealt with their divorce. Ironically my name means strength. But I used to get so tired of being that "got it together", straight A student. I hated it sometimes, I wanted to fall apart sometimes because I was exhausted and pretending takes energy.

I can't tell you how to do anything or offer any advice except that you need to focus on you -- give yourself space, get away.

Nana said...

Thx you all for the encouraging words! I love all of you!

Americanising Desi said...

be strong! be strong! be strong!