Sunday, July 5, 2009

Alone.



'Morning Yearning', Ben Harper

Happy News: Ben Harper and the Relentless7 will be performing at the Jazz Festival, next week! To make matters even sweeter, the concert is free :-) This truly made my day. I was in a funk on Sunday, doing a 10 hour shift. When I found out Ben Harper would be playing, life was beautiful again.

I had a conversation with a friend a couple days ago. He's my ex's best friend but we've kept in touch. In fact, B. is great, he's an infinite well of wisdom. He listened to me on many occasions and I can trust him to keep whatever I tell him between us.
B. just went through a break up with his mother's child, also a friend of mine. He got a new place and has been getting some much needed 'alone' time. He told me that he's learnt so much and he wants to keep working on himself, he won't be able to give anyone a relationship any time soon.

'So, what about you? have you been getting your 'Jen' time?' He asked.
I smiled, told him I've been seeing someone, but he was giving me problems etc...
He shook his head. 'When's the last time you've been alone?'
I stammered, murmured something about 'January'.
We both laughed, but B. gave me one of his looks, you know, the 'you know you're better than that.' looks, and I've been thinking about our conversation a lot, these past days.

I've been thinking about my life and B.'s concept of 'Alone'. To me, I've been alone since my break up with my ex, 8 months ago. But, really...Have I?
I haven't been in a committed relationship but I've had my share of dates and sleepovers. Although, there was never an emotional underline (except for the last one) I still had masculine presence to which I could run to for temporary comfort. I've been 'playing' house, getting what I needed from men without settling down. In theory, I was 'alone' because I didn't have a boyfriend but in reality, I wasn't 'alone' because my life has still been cluttered with men.
My supposed 'alone' time has been fruitless because I've still been dealing with the petty dramas of shallow relationships.
I think I'm over due for some alone time and I refuse to go half-way about it. I need to focus on myself, and if that means no more friend with benefits, dates or speaking to my exes, then SO be it. Most of the time, I can't even stand them anyways.
It's a challenge. Remember my first post? Well, I've gotten much better since then. But I realize I am not completely cured. I have a sickening fear of being 'alone'.
A relationship has always been a partial definition for 'Happiness' and I am now learning how utterly wrong and harmful that assumption really was/is. I need to find out how to be alone and not lonely.

In other news, I've just learned that my first, L., is a father! He had a baby girl. L. and me dated in college, briefly, but I still remember how utterly lazy and unreliable he was. To prove my point, He's 24 with no job, no schooling, living at home with mom and dad. I mean, THAT is all right, I don't want to judge how people live their lives, BUT it's totally unacceptable when you've got a baby. Oh, and NO, he doesn't have a job because of the economy, it's because he's childish and lacks discipline. Back in the days, he would go clubbing, come home at 6am , sleep until 6pm and repeat this cycle. In my defense, I went out with him for something like 2-3 months when I was 17 and the novelty of college life turned my brain into Jelly.

8 comments:

Lion-ess said...

Alone time... Is needed for real! I was "alone" for 1 yr and a half before I met Gokhan.. But I was fooling myself because I still had the dates and sleepovers etc, just not a bf.

But I think I experienced the alone time because I didn't have to deal with the drama and nearly every night, I'll lock myself in my room and pamper myself.

All you have to do is prioritise and put yourself at the top of the list. Spend time with yourself and don't let external dramas take over your thoughts and self. When you're feeling down, deal with it. Don't rush for external comfort because you're single and have all the skills needed to make yourself better.

Keep believing in your own strength.. It shows in your writings and your blog.

Retromus-ik said...

We all need time to concentrate on ourselves, and you've been doing that: writing more, taking up acting etc. It's true, being okay and content in singledom is important. You have so much going for you, a man shouldnt be anyone's definition of happiness 100% anyway. And, I don't think it's your definition;) I wouldnt call it alone, more like "me" time, sounds more joyful!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You need that time alone. I loved your friend's definition of it. It's when we're alone that we truly find a chance to even hear ourselves breath. Have you ever listened to you breathe? I think that, no I know that I even sometimes forget to breathe. But, breathing replinishes us and restores us to be able to be better for ourselves and our loved one.

You are such a wise girl to review all that you have experienced and know that there is something, someone better for you...yourself.

Passion Fruit said...

Wow...I have been absent. And aching. Thinking about time alone. Not wanting it but thinking it'd be best.

Hope you're well Lady.

Yayemarie said...

Alone time..pff Im doing the alone thing lately aint easy but I see the diff btw when i was doing it and was upset and my current state when im really paying attention to who i am as a woman with patiente and impatiente with fear and with love its funny i would think that at my age ill be through with it but i guess God had another plan:)

floreta said...

wow ben harper for free.. how amazing!! and yes, its been hard for me to truly embrace being alone too. but part of my breakup was me swearing i would be celibate and completely alone (no men flings!). i have dated a couple times, but just like hanging out together.. and it didn't go anywhere because i didn't let it. i don't really consider that having men clutter though. in fact i'm trying to DECLUTTER from all of that.

Strawberry Girl said...

I had some "alone" time two weeks ago when hubby went up to North Dakota. It was fantastic not having drama to deal with for a while. (Though I have four kids so I'm not ever really alone, or that often anyway). ;D

You do need some alone time girl, and it can be a scary leap, but sometimes it's the best thing.

:0)

FREE WEST PAPUA NEWS said...

well
http://kkampjogya.multiply.com/