'Morning Yearning', Ben Harper
Happy News: Ben Harper and the Relentless7 will be performing at the Jazz Festival, next week! To make matters even sweeter, the concert is free :-) This truly made my day. I was in a funk on Sunday, doing a 10 hour shift. When I found out Ben Harper would be playing, life was beautiful again.
I had a conversation with a friend a couple days ago. He's my ex's best friend but we've kept in touch. In fact, B. is great, he's an infinite well of wisdom. He listened to me on many occasions and I can trust him to keep whatever I tell him between us.
B. just went through a break up with his mother's child, also a friend of mine. He got a new place and has been getting some much needed 'alone' time. He told me that he's learnt so much and he wants to keep working on himself, he won't be able to give anyone a relationship any time soon.
'So, what about you? have you been getting your 'Jen' time?' He asked.
I smiled, told him I've been seeing someone, but he was giving me problems etc...
He shook his head. 'When's the last time you've been alone?'
I stammered, murmured something about 'January'.
We both laughed, but B. gave me one of his looks, you know, the 'you know you're better than that.' looks, and I've been thinking about our conversation a lot, these past days.
I've been thinking about my life and B.'s concept of 'Alone'. To me, I've been alone since my break up with my ex, 8 months ago. But, really...Have I?
I haven't been in a committed relationship but I've had my share of dates and sleepovers. Although, there was never an emotional underline (except for the last one) I still had masculine presence to which I could run to for temporary comfort. I've been 'playing' house, getting what I needed from men without settling down. In theory, I was 'alone' because I didn't have a boyfriend but in reality, I wasn't 'alone' because my life has still been cluttered with men.
My supposed 'alone' time has been fruitless because I've still been dealing with the petty dramas of shallow relationships.
I think I'm over due for some alone time and I refuse to go half-way about it. I need to focus on myself, and if that means no more friend with benefits, dates or speaking to my exes, then SO be it. Most of the time, I can't even stand them anyways.
It's a challenge. Remember my first post? Well, I've gotten much better since then. But I realize I am not completely cured. I have a sickening fear of being 'alone'.
A relationship has always been a partial definition for 'Happiness' and I am now learning how utterly wrong and harmful that assumption really was/is. I need to find out how to be alone and not lonely.
In other news, I've just learned that my first, L., is a father! He had a baby girl. L. and me dated in college, briefly, but I still remember how utterly lazy and unreliable he was. To prove my point, He's 24 with no job, no schooling, living at home with mom and dad. I mean, THAT is all right, I don't want to judge how people live their lives, BUT it's totally unacceptable when you've got a baby. Oh, and NO, he doesn't have a job because of the economy, it's because he's childish and lacks discipline. Back in the days, he would go clubbing, come home at 6am , sleep until 6pm and repeat this cycle. In my defense, I went out with him for something like 2-3 months when I was 17 and the novelty of college life turned my brain into Jelly.