Silver Stallion by Cat Power (she is amazing...)
an unbridled outbreak, as of emotions, passions, etc.
Archaic. loose, wanton living; profligacy.
Yesterday, I was at MUCS, a community spot situated on the first floor of an apartment building. Mama and Naya were performing at the open mic night and upon stumbling on the grassroots 'hole' in the wall, I was instantly charmed.
First off, they had a community dinner night going on and my sense buds exploded when I tasted Vanessa's chicken pea and cinnamon sauce. Everyone was very friendly, down to earth and laid back. We moved to the adjoining room and sat in a circle; this was open mic. There was no stage; just chairs, a sofa and three guitars.
After last night, I truly appreciate live acoustic performances. It was so beautiful, the energy was flowing, everyone was having a great time. We played 'invent the song' games with themes such as 'rain' and 'love/revenge'.
It started to rain but when everyone was ready to go, the air outside was sweet and musky, the cement was wet.
What I loved about last night; it feels good being around people that aren't just talking about shopping, relationships and trips down south. Sometimes, I forget that there is MUCH more to living than the constant race for a safety nest.
Success is great, whether you value the dollar sign or how many cartwheels you can do in an hour, but there are so many beautiful moments to be savoured, so many strangers that can teach you something more valuable than gold.
That community space, with its stapled zine, 'recycle me' signs and donation pickle jar, with its mismatched cups and plates, the tattered dining table; it felt like a forgotten utopia, a riot against a consumerist state of mind.
As I sat on the couch and listened to the guitar, the voices that sung 'For my lover' and 'Silver Stallion' and 'My morphine', I got in touch with the 'me' I cover up everyday. The 'me' that isn't what I own, what I do or the petty achievements I can hang around my neck and that look great on a CV but hold no pride nor' real value to me. I'm talking about the 'me' that is Jen,Jeanne, Janulka, Juanita, Nana or any other nickname I am known by, the 'me' that can only be seen after I strip down naked and share all the hurts, the disappointments, the shame, the love, the friendships, the hope that has shaped me into who I am today.
I am the little girl that used to run bare feet in her Babcia and Dziadek's garden, that used to hide in the closet and read book upon book, that used to swing and watch the sun set and never take it for granted.
No matter the responsibilities, the quest for greatness, I'm still that little girl.
No matter the men I've slept with, the times I fell hard on my butt, the hard patches I traveled, the 'grown up' ish I deal with on a daily basis, no matter the roles I play in other people's lives. Fuck all that. I'm still pony tails, some body's grand daughter, Bumble bee as my uncle used to call me; I still am as pure, as innocent as the day I was born.
I will make mistakes but they will not age me, they will only make me wiser. I will love when no love is due but that love will not be wasted because everything you put out there will come back to you someday, somehow. I will doubt myself but from doubt, I will build confidence and at times, I will desolate because you must know defeat to claim victory.
Every day, I learn to let go of the fear, the need for control, the bitterness and become the woman I am meant to be. I will Riot, and so should you.