I'm in my own little bubble, I had a situation yesterday that left me (in this order): mad, frustrated, sad, confused, sad & mad, again. Right now, I'm at work. It's very slow, so I can escape in writing. My co-workers are discussing past relationships; the deceit, the hurt, but also the good times. I'm tired of hearing about love & its expectations, or lack of. Especially after last night.
It is so close to the issues I had with my X, that I am really torn up right now. C'est la vie.
I'm a bit hurt but I'm going out with my gfs tonight & if the past few months taught me anything is this: Time heals all wounds. Either ways, I don't have time to be upset. The Fringe festival starts in 3 days & I will put all my energy into delivering a great performance.
I was rummaging through my Inbox & I stumbled on something I wrote nearly a year ago... It was about my X & his baby mother, her choking invisible presence in our relationship, some days, it really felt like I was having a relationship with her & not my X. This was written at a very turbulent time in our relationship.Hehe. I love this illustration.
He told me that it was done. That he hated her. That I was his backbone- the best thing that happened to him all year. He said, He said that he loved the fact that I supported him, that her dreams and expectations were too small to contain him. That we would have a family together, that I made him feel like the world was a beautiful place, and he hadn’t felt so good in a long, long time.. He said, he felt and that by its own, was something that had been absent for months.
He had left his dark room, with all the memories of them, he had traveled through the labyrinth of the years they had spent together, and had found his way, after the bloody and bruising turns, the ‘cul de sacs’, he thought that he was finally through...
I had made him whole. Me. I had strewn back the pieces. I had given him back his strength, his will, his throne... Me. Little miss Sunshine. All with my presence and words, my patience and coolness, my love and support. I believed him.
Unaware that when he dreamed, he dreamt of her. It was her voice, the chants of a siren, that still called and enchanted him. His seed, when he smiled happily at his daughter, he saw her mother as she stared back at him.
I’ve been so stupid. Unofficial? It was just another way to allow her to come back; give her time to miss him, give her time to realize what they had. It was never about me. It was never about ‘US’ it was about ‘them’. Their child.
My feelings have always been irrelevant. I am irrelevant to him. I am his crutch, but when you no longer need a crutch, you toss it away. Why have a crutch when you are whole? I feel so used. I feel so used. I feel so used.
He has painted the world with bright colors, with images so beautiful that I could barely believe my eyes...The deception.
I was too damn nice with this guy. I should have kicked his ass & cut him loose, so he can deal with his issues. It's funny to see how I was so melancholic about him. I hate when people start relationships when they aren't over their exes.