Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Back in the day.

I'm in my own little bubble, I had a situation yesterday that left me (in this order): mad, frustrated, sad, confused, sad & mad, again. Right now, I'm at work. It's very slow, so I can escape in writing. My co-workers are discussing past relationships; the deceit, the hurt, but also the good times. I'm tired of hearing about love & its expectations, or lack of. Especially after last night.
It is so close to the issues I had with my X, that I am really torn up right now. C'est la vie.
I'm a bit hurt but I'm going out with my gfs tonight & if the past few months taught me anything is this: Time heals all wounds. Either ways, I don't have time to be upset. The Fringe festival starts in 3 days & I will put all my energy into delivering a great performance.

I was rummaging through my Inbox & I stumbled on something I wrote nearly a year ago... It was about my X & his baby mother, her choking invisible presence in our relationship, some days, it really felt like I was having a relationship with her & not my X. This was written at a very turbulent time in our relationship.
Hehe. I love this illustration.


He told me that it was done. That he hated her. That I was his backbone- the best thing that happened to him all year. He said, He said that he loved the fact that I supported him, that her dreams and expectations were too small to contain him. That we would have a family together, that I made him feel like the world was a beautiful place, and he hadn’t felt so good in a long, long time.. He said, he felt and that by its own, was something that had been absent for months.
He had left his dark room, with all the memories of them, he had traveled through the labyrinth of the years they had spent together, and had found his way, after the bloody and bruising turns, the ‘cul de sacs’, he thought that he was finally through...
I had made him whole. Me. I had strewn back the pieces. I had given him back his strength, his will, his throne... Me. Little miss Sunshine. All with my presence and words, my patience and coolness, my love and support. I believed him.
Unaware that when he dreamed, he dreamt of her. It was her voice, the chants of a siren, that still called and enchanted him. His seed, when he smiled happily at his daughter, he saw her mother as she stared back at him.
I’ve been so stupid. Unofficial? It was just another way to allow her to come back; give her time to miss him, give her time to realize what they had. It was never about me. It was never about ‘US’ it was about ‘them’. Their child.

My feelings have always been irrelevant. I am irrelevant to him. I am his crutch, but when you no longer need a crutch, you toss it away. Why have a crutch when you are whole? I feel so used. I feel so used. I feel so used.
He has painted the world with bright colors, with images so beautiful that I could barely believe my eyes...The deception.

I was too damn nice with this guy. I should have kicked his ass & cut him loose, so he can deal with his issues. It's funny to see how I was so melancholic about him. I hate when people start relationships when they aren't over their exes.


Retromus-ik said...

You're right; time heals all wounds. Do your thing and get a standing O after your performance. Let the frustration fuel your creativity! I'm coming to see you! I'm really proud of you; I was thinking today that you contended for a part amongst other people who probably have been studying theatre for years. And you got it!, which means you must be pretty awesome. And awesome people don't need people who aren't over their exes;)

Unbreakable said...

Its never good to rush in with someone who has just broken off with their X, it has a way of biting u int he ass,especially if one of the parties involve still wants a relatuionship.Then all you will be is a rebound chick.
Its sucks but i happens a lot. Time does heal most wounds.

Paris said...

Sorry for what you are going through, too. Thank you for your sweet comment you left. It means alot. Wishing YOU the best as well.


Kat Argonza | Tough Girl 101 said...

Hmm, it's always strange to see your old writing, then you see how much you've grown.

Latree@Dandelion said...

you won't believe how another side of me is suffering the same. but it does. so I totally understand how you feels. the said time heals, but I don't believe it. coz i still feel the pain till now, and no idea for how any longer will

Akirah said...

That's what Tyra was about yesterday -- a guy who wasn't over his ex. This black dude was dating this white girl for about a year, but he just wasn't over his black ex. But the crazy thing was that the black ex had a man too. They'd talk on the phone all the time and act like they were in a relationship, yet they both had significant others. It was pretty insane and very sad. My heart broke for the white girl. My grandma just kept saying, " That black boy done did that white girl WRONG." Oh grandma.

Despite the pain, you're better off (as you know). I can't wait for you to find a strong, amazing, loving man who isn't going to let a bunch of drama and nonsense get in the way of your relationship. Just wait. :)

Lion-ess said...

It's really unfair to go into a relationship and you or the person you're with is still hang up on the ex. I know how it feels from both sides.

Thankfully, I detox for over a year and some before I started my current relationship and so went into it whole. Well.. not complete whole.. I still had a few issues to deal with... but I guess I was able to deal with those niggly bits due to the love, compassion and support that I got from my bf.

Thank God for no drama! I wish every woman to experience this type of external drama free relationship. Too long that we women are not given the love and appreciation that is rightfully ours.

But then again, some of us had to go through these trials and darks times so that we can educate our friends and the young ones and even to have compassion and empathy for those in messed up relationships.