Wednesday, January 20, 2010

We are not without flaws, and neither are our visions.

If I could explain my emotions today, I would lack for words. Here is an attempt, an immature, inexperienced, overflowing with discovery and tears, attempt to tell you about the tremble in my bones, in my blood, and in my soul.
I have discovered there are no such things as 'bad' and 'good' days. There are simply, Mondays through Sundays, minutes that cede to hours, and hours which morph into days.
This Wednesday could be comparable to a cup; which has been filled to the brim, and which I've been emptying over and over, so it doesn't overflow. I wake up with the news of yet another aftershock, whose ripples were felt in Haiti.
Soon after, my mother tells me they have found a new born, under the rubble, still alive seven days after the initial earthquake.
Then, I learn my ex lover's father was injured today; something fell on his back and he can no longer move his legs.
I cannot help but feel this intense indignation, rising in my chest, an acute sadness, and I start crying because I know how much his father means to him. Also, I know that he has three little girls who look up to their daddy, that medical assistance is lacking, and I know, this must be eating up my ex. I know, if my father was hurt and I couldn't help him, I would be crippled by sorrow and anger.
But I cannot stop thinking about that 22 day old baby who survived, I cannot help but feel grateful and ecstatic, I am sure this must be a miracle. Yet...
What about all the children who did die? What about all the people, who clung to life days after the earthquake, praying to be rescued, only to succumb to their wounds? What about them? Where was God for them? Where was he? Where is God when we suffer, when we need him to keep us alive?ItalicToday, I felt like God took a vacation. I was outraged; I didn't blame you for the first earthquake, but how dare you, how dare you, do this again? Wasn't one more than enough? Aren't these people suffering enough? How can you? Why do we praise you, if you cannot even keep us safe?
Then, I met with a classmate, and we discussed life, the situation in Haiti, the spiritual beliefs that keep deepening and morphing, the compassion and connection we have towards others. Soon after, we attended a theater play (with our class) about a man, who was so tortured by guilt and the past, he ended up losing his mind and living in the streets. I cried some more; the story line was splendid, but the actors were even better. On our way back home, we discussed the underlying themes and I came to a conclusion;

God is balance. By giving us free will, He has also let go of the responsibility. Similarly, a father or a mother will grant their adult child autonomy; they will assist the child in the dire times, but they will let him forge his own path. God isn't evil nor good, he isn't perfect nor all powerful. Perhaps, once he was, but he is no longer. Free will was his ultimate sacrifice; he has given up his power so that we can have ours.

I am not mad, I am not sad, but I do feel less secure. There had always been a comfort in seeing things in categories such as 'bad' and 'good', 'wrong' and 'right'. But most things cannot fit in the boxes we invent. We are not without flaws, and neither are our visions.


Akirah said...

Mmm. I really resonate with this. It's hard to see so much suffering in this world -- and I'm not even talking about my own suffering -- and to not be changed. I feel myself losing innocence. It's weird and uncomfortable.

I am trying to trust God and the fact that He can redeem all things for His glory. In due time.

Retromus-ik said...

Your thoughts were well articulated. As you said, God can be viewed as a parent who lets their child make their own mistakes. It doesnt make the parent a bad person, it's him or her basically giving the child what he or she wanted all along: freedom. And with that freedom comes consequences. I am not familiar with such things, but I do know that we are not being very kind to the world: the cutting of the trees, pollution. All the toxic we're putting into the earth is bound to have some repercussions. A lot of things do not make sense in this world, that's where faith comes in. Faith doesnt mean that nothing bad will ever happen to you...we're in an imperfect world with natural disaster, human weakness manifested in our bodies and spirit. Faith for me means that behind every tragedy and fall lies the certainty that you will be built up better and stronger than before.
We each have our spiritual journey, but my advice to you would be to continue praying. He is the same God He was 2 weeks ago when all was (seemingly) well in "our" world as He is now.

Unbreakable said...

I totally agree with RETROMUS-IK.

But in all this i see the light for the Haitian people don't forget they these people were suffering years on top of years before this quake came, did you ever see so much aid been sent to them by the international community? i guess not.

The people of Haiti are very strong and this even has brought help finally to them that they needed years before this happen, so look on the bright side hopefully the country will be better in the future after this is all over. Could this be god's way of bringing the Haitian people help?

O.F.C.J. said...

Unbreakable: That is the light I see in this situation. I know something great is going to happen. Idk what. But I am excited to see what it is.

Faith is not easy. It is hard. And hard core. And hard to swallow. And wierd. And makes no sense. Often seems foolish. Especially in a God we can't see, but still supposedly exists and is perfect, but who keeps letting all these bad and mean things happen... right?

Well.... yeah.

He is good and just,and powerful and too perfect, and always will be.

Nana, (I know you said you were not sad, but...) in your pain, and confusion and weakness--> that is when He is strongest, becuase you no longer have control. Scary... :\. But Let Him swoop you off your feet.

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
(1st verse & chorus)
"Held" By Natalie Grant

Be held,


Billie K. said...

I like to read how your vision of the world evolves. Thank you for the post.

Lion-ess said...

God is there. In the midst of our sufferings, he is there. He has given us free will and at times it seems as if he's on a vacation, but he is there.

Miracles do happening and sadly we live side by side with sufferings. Stay strong! The Haitians are a very strong people and they will come through this stronger than ever.

Nana said...

Thank you for all your thoughts and comments :-) I'm much better now, I do have faith in God ( we have a good relationship, he knows that I'll get upset at him sometimes, but my bark is louder than my bite) :-)

Laura said...

Hi Jeanne,

Yes i do remember about the ferry. i found a phone number for the pier (pier 1) on a chat forum, called them and reserved a ticket. then you have to go in and pay for the ticket at least 2 days before the ferry to confirm it. although a few people did seem to be getting tickets on the day. and you just pop in and buy a ticket without calling to reserve if you are going to be there a few days before the day you want to sail. the ferry goes once a week on a wednesday morning and i think it was about 100usd one way. it only takes a couple of hours. the pier is in the port of spain and there is a little bus that goes right passed the entrance. or you can get a taxi there. there is no website for the ferry but it does exist and it is official. oh and you get free softdrinks on it!

that very lovely man is now my very lovely fiance :)

enjoy your travels!