Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Clutter.

Hanging out with Claudio, aka Craig, a fellow actor.

Setting up the stage, with cast mates.


I've been thinking these past few days about the clutter in my life. I've been packing away the clothes and books I will be taking with me to the new apartment, giving away the 'unwanted' things that will ,perhaps, be somebody else's treasure.

My life for the past two weeks have been a swirl of unpredicted events/emotions, a lack of appetite, a couple tearful breakdowns and of course; theater, writing and partying. I've been attending restaurants, lounges, caf├ęs and getting lost in the velvet background of the Ecohosting stage where we've had three performances, thus far.
I can't describe the rush I feel when the lights go up and down, when the audience laughs, the genuine accolades from strangers when they shake my hand at the end of a show and say 'That was great' or 'It was a privilege' or 'Amazing, really, good job'.
I went to see 'Reflections on giving birth to a Squid', I wanted to support other actors and also, get an idea of what everyone's bringing to the Fringe. I was BLOWN away by the talent. There were three actors, playing multiple roles. It was beautiful.

I've been focusing on Theater so much, I've given little attention to my love life because it is a hot mess just about now.

***
Lover came up with a 'I'm not sure about us' dialogue, that got me so upset because for the past three months, he has been harassing me into a relationship. So, we've been spending time together and I began waking up with him on my mind, talking about him, thinking about him. All of a sudden, He doesn't think we are compatible and bla bla bla...
It's disgusting, I am wavering between wanting to burn down his apartment, not caring and bursting into tears because I would have never thought HE, out of all people, would just decide (out of the blue) that we are not 'working out'.
In the first place, 'US' wasn't my idea, it was his and he did everything in this world to make me want him (sending me flowers, sushi, cake, cooking for me, listening to my issues, having conversations that lasted hours, reading my stories...) and now, He doesn't think it's going to work! To make matters worse, he didn't tell me this up front, he just started disappearing, telling me he's confused etc... That's what irks me the most; Have the decency to let me know you want to stick to being friends. It's minimum respect.

I'm pissed off, if he had a car, the windows would've been broken, and the hood would have been spray painted. Wait, wait... breathe...breathe...breathe.

In a way, I understand his uncertainty. We are polar opposites. Que sera, sera. What will be, will be.

***

I've been organizing my life, throwing away what is no longer needed, wanted. It got me seeing things clearer, encouraged me to consider my emotional baggage. SOME people just keep popping in and out of my life, like string puppets; there for a minute, gone the next.
There have been men in my life who, for the last five-six years, have entertained the notion that I am 'theirs' because once, briefly or a long time ago, they truly mattered to me.

  • I mean; S., my first 'real' boyfriend, still talks about how he messed up with me, that he's changed and that we can give it another shot. I was 16 back then. He was the moon, the stars and the sun. I ''credit'' him to be the first idiot to break my heart; he was seeing someone else and she was giving him something I wasn't. Hum, Hum. Today, he is a fond memory, an old friend. Nothing more.
  • Then, there's Gemini. Our daddies grew up together, we dated for a brief (very brief time) when I was 17. In every conversation I've had with him in the last 5 years, we have either argued about who was wrong/right or he brings up the improbability of the future and how we will probably end up together. Of course, there were moments of my life when I called him for comfort. One occasion was about six months ago when I called him, sobbing uncontrollably at 4am. He talked me through it. We ended because he was just really mean. Oh, and because he was a bit too close to my best friend. Sometimes, I feel we are 'stuck' with each other. We have a lot of history, I still remember him when he was 14, I was 12; He had this messed up hair cut and rabbit teeth. Good times.
  • T., a summer crush who lives in France. He goes through periods where he decides I am the one, the two and the three. He calls me, tries to coerce me into moving to Paris. He asks me if I still 'love' him. *sigh* I was 18, it wasn't love, it was lust. It was summer; sun, Parisian accent, his charm... T. is a cool guy, honestly. He is good looking, funny and he takes my humour (I make fun of him a lot) but he has lost all credibility in my eyes. He lies too much. We ended because he went back to Europe. T. sent me a beautiful pair of gold earrings, last month.

  • Judo player is moving back to Montreal, July 1st, in my neighborhood (coincidence?!). I reminded him he hated living here and he loved Cali. But he said 'Yeah, but there's you.' I went in my claustrophobic mode and gently explained there wasn't a future for us, not now, not ever. (When we were seeing each other, He hooked up with this girl, whilst I was in the kitchen, drinking coffee) Yeah. I know. Of course, he believes that we can get back to what we 'used to be'. I am not sure what that is, to be honest.

As odd as it seems, I can't NOT answer their phone calls. I can't just change my number and forget about the good, the bad, the ugly. Perhaps, I enjoy having skeletons in my closet. Honestly, I think of certain periods of my life in terms of men I dated. There's always been someone; an anecdote I brew over with a girl friend. The things that used to hurt are rendered funny with time. I was so silly sometimes, I just laugh about the stupid things they said, the lies I believed. Other times, it makes it hard to trust men because I remember what happened when I did let my head rest...
Emotional clutter; I do need to close the loose ends. I feel like there's too many old flames, floating around me; it gets claustrophobic...But where does the cleaning start? What's so ironic about this; I've always seen myself as someone who would settle down and start a family young. It's funny where life takes you.

5 comments:

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You never know where you may end up and in who's arms. I learned that after 21 years of marriage. I never thought we'd end. I thought we'd always be together. Then came his affair and the divorce and then came, Boo. Never in my wildest dreams did I see all of this coming. Would I have braced myself more? Would I have done things differently? Maybe not. What you are doing with your life is breathing life into the things that matter to you. You are a beautiful woman and as you look back on those loves lost, you see how far you've come. Embrace that and be proud for not settling. The latest love??? He's the one that didn't know what he wanted. Had he known, he'd still be with you.

~EssenseVibez~ said...

De-Cluttering is good for the soul babygurl--Amen to what ChocolateCoveredDreams said "What you are doing with your life is breathing life into the things that matter to you.--AMEN gurl!--what matters now is what matters to you in this moment and this time--hangin on to clutter is just going to clog your journey--its like havin a blood clot--if you dont take your medice, the clot builds and will eventually travel and results to death (possible)--if you take the medicine, it dissolves the clot--you get what i'm sayn here bbabygurl!--get rid of the clutter so you can move on--God has so much in store for you--i cant wait for you to feel it and live it---remain blessed babygurl!--(i love this gurl so much!)

tangerine: said...

sigh, i have the SAME problem. i can't not answer their phone calls. there's something about these guys who used to be a big part of my life, and i don't want them near me at all but i can't seem to push them away. somehow i guess my minds reasoning is that whether they were good or bad, they were still memories, and therefore still a small part of me. i just cannot wrap my head around these guys that still care and seem to be "waiting" for something that ended between us ages ago.

but darling, if you ever need an extra pair of hands to burn down lover's apartment, i'll hold the gas can and you can hold the matches ;] in all seriousness though, i truly hope he makes up his mind because i find it odd that after he convinced you to pursue a relationship, he's suddenly gone cold. how upsetting.

life does take us strange places. in a million years i would have never imagined being where i am now. i wonder if that's simply the way these things work. maybe precisely what we expect out of life is precisely what we won't get?

O.F.C.J. said...

Aw. Hot messes are where God works bestest(lol...I promise I'm not illiterate). But really, have you ever seen a maid keep her job in a house that never needed to be cleaned (not that God is a maid...)? I would know, there are messes in my life about now 2....

O.F.C.J. ;)

Enchantress said...

I admire you for being able to realize when it's time to clean out your closet, it shows your strength! Kudos to you!!!