I'm wearing his shirt. That night, I remember he was making food for Baby girl, I was so happy & in Love.
I was washing my hair tonight, & whilst in the bath, I remembered certain episodes with my ex that anger & shame me. In my love for him, I did a lot of stupid things, perhaps as much as most women do when in love. But there`s a difference in admitting to my stupidity, than owing up to it. It`s easy to say (in darkness) I did `idiotic `things, than to actually be honest & open about what these errors truly were...
I borrowed him a lot of money, invested in a business idea (with my tuition money). When making a weekly budget, I`d calculate his bus pass (when he quit his job, again, because he was depressed etc...), I`d buy food, cook for him, clean; I was his maid, his lover, his mother, all wrapped up in one, with a ribbon on it.
One day, I woke up because I sensed his daughter had awoken, I went to get her at the top of the staircase. She didn`t want to go back down, as she wanted `meelk` (milk was baby girl`s life at the time, she could live on it! Now, it`s `chickeen, I wan chickeen.`) I was wearing a top and panties, so I didn’t want to prance around his brother`s house nearly naked, as well, I was off to work and I had 30 minutes to get more sleep. I went back downstairs and woke up my ex, and asked him if he could `please give baby girl some milk.’ He complained, told me to do it, I persisted and waited until he got up and fed her. This small incident turned into a big affair. He was SO mad at me, said I didn’t want to feed his daughter, that I couldn`t be a good mother to her etc... I remember crying over it. I was so upset. He made it seem like I would have let baby girl starve, because she wasn`t my flesh & blood.
Another time, I was sad because things weren`t good between us; we were fighting so much. We were walking on the street & he looks at me & says; `You are so ugly, you don`t smile anymore`. I burst out in tears, again. There were so many instances when I put up and kept shut, out of fear of getting him mad. Like when he belittled me in public, telling me to `shut my mouth & not interrupt him.`, when he made displaced comments about me being so `white’ or when he called me crazy when I tried to communicate with him, when he threw my cell phone against the wall when I refused to listen to him... These are such little things, but they made me wonder if I was in a good place, or in a potentially destructive relationship.
Perhaps, what hurts me the most out of everything that happened is when he accused me of trying to trick him & get myself pregnant by him. We were nervous, as my period was late. I told him that I could do it, have the baby, I`d figure things out. I didn`t want to say `we`, I wanted him to say it.
Instead, he assured me he`d be there for the child but he`d leave me because I did it on purpose. I told him `go, I don`t need you. I can do this alone` I knew he was scared, & he didn`t mean it, he had one child already & he barely made rent each month. In my head, I was just like `The ONLY time I need you to be there for me, & you make it all about you. `
Bu it wasn`t all bad.
There were aspects of him that were so good, so pure... He was a good listener, he took care of you when he could, presented you to his family & friends, made sure you were comfortable, made sure you ate. He was smart, very wise, yet he lacked the expertise to apply his knowledge in his own life. He was funny too, such a good dancer & even a better lover. He knew how to talk, he was so smooth. I think he's one of the very few people in my life, that listened to my problems with such intent & goodwill.
There are certain things that transpired between us, which in time were almost holy. Moments in which I saw a life path in the whisper of his words, & a soul mate in the depth of his trust & support. It is always those you keep near, who will be the dagger to your heart.
I feel that if I keep what shames me inside, it will keep me from truly healing & letting the ice melt.
So here it is, I did some very stupid things indeed; Love is stronger than pride.