Thursday, April 23, 2009

Love is Stronger than Pride.

I'm wearing his shirt. That night, I remember he was making food for Baby girl, I was so happy & in Love.

I was washing my hair tonight, & whilst in the bath, I remembered certain episodes with my ex that anger & shame me. In my love for him, I did a lot of stupid things, perhaps as much as most women do when in love. But there`s a difference in admitting to my stupidity, than owing up to it. It`s easy to say (in darkness) I did `idiotic `things, than to actually be honest & open about what these errors truly were...
I borrowed him a lot of money, invested in a business idea (with my tuition money). When making a weekly budget, I`d calculate his bus pass (when he quit his job, again, because he was depressed etc...), I`d buy food, cook for him, clean; I was his maid, his lover, his mother, all wrapped up in one, with a ribbon on it.
One day, I woke up because I sensed his daughter had awoken, I went to get her at the top of the staircase. She didn`t want to go back down, as she wanted `meelk` (milk was baby girl`s life at the time, she could live on it! Now, it`s `chickeen, I wan chickeen.`) I was wearing a top and panties, so I didn’t want to prance around his brother`s house nearly naked, as well, I was off to work and I had 30 minutes to get more sleep. I went back downstairs and woke up my ex, and asked him if he could `please give baby girl some milk.’ He complained, told me to do it, I persisted and waited until he got up and fed her. This small incident turned into a big affair. He was SO mad at me, said I didn’t want to feed his daughter, that I couldn`t be a good mother to her etc... I remember crying over it. I was so upset. He made it seem like I would have let baby girl starve, because she wasn`t my flesh & blood.
Another time, I was sad because things weren`t good between us; we were fighting so much. We were walking on the street & he looks at me & says; `You are so ugly, you don`t smile anymore`. I burst out in tears, again. There were so many instances when I put up and kept shut, out of fear of getting him mad. Like when he belittled me in public, telling me to `shut my mouth & not interrupt him.`, when he made displaced comments about me being so `white’ or when he called me crazy when I tried to communicate with him, when he threw my cell phone against the wall when I refused to listen to him... These are such little things, but they made me wonder if I was in a good place, or in a potentially destructive relationship.
Perhaps, what hurts me the most out of everything that happened is when he accused me of trying to trick him & get myself pregnant by him. We were nervous, as my period was late. I told him that I could do it, have the baby, I`d figure things out. I didn`t want to say `we`, I wanted him to say it.
Instead, he assured me he`d be there for the child but he`d leave me because I did it on purpose. I told him `go, I don`t need you. I can do this alone` I knew he was scared, & he didn`t mean it, he had one child already & he barely made rent each month. In my head, I was just like `The ONLY time I need you to be there for me, & you make it all about you. `
Bu it wasn`t all bad.
There were aspects of him that were so good, so pure... He was a good listener, he took care of you when he could, presented you to his family & friends, made sure you were comfortable, made sure you ate. He was smart, very wise, yet he lacked the expertise to apply his knowledge in his own life. He was funny too, such a good dancer & even a better lover. He knew how to talk, he was so smooth. I think he's one of the very few people in my life, that listened to my problems with such intent & goodwill.
There are certain things that transpired between us, which in time were almost holy. Moments in which I saw a life path in the whisper of his words, & a soul mate in the depth of his trust & support. It is always those you keep near, who will be the dagger to your heart.
I feel that if I keep what shames me inside, it will keep me from truly healing & letting the ice melt.
So here it is, I did some very stupid things indeed; Love is stronger than pride.


Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Nana, I probably could've wrote this myself. So many similarities that you expressed in your post, I also expressed in mine.

In spite of the horrible, cruel things that were said and done, he listened and he was my best friend. He knew me well and could read the expressions on my face without words spoken.

I will say this here...I miss that. I don't miss him necessarily but I miss that. Boo is great but he's not him. He is missing some of those knowing what I'm thinking and feeling traits. He is non-creative and non-musical...he's history and military channel, I'm girly flicks and funny sitcoms.

I wish that the horrible stuff would never have happened between my ex and I but I truly believe that it was meant to be this way. I don't quite know the exact reason but I do believe that.

I believe the same for you. You are a gorgeous beautiful girl who was with someone who had his own demons to deal with and yet, couldn't see that. Same with my ex. He couldn't see that his issues wee causing him to hurt the ones that he loved.

Thank you for expressing all that you did. I'm inspired by your thoughts.

floreta said...

emotional abuse sucks.
it can be subtle.
don't know it hit you until after the fact..
hard to get out.

thanks for sharing.

Nana said...

@ Simone.
I know that months with a man could never compare to what you've lived with your husband, for decades, but I DO feel we have had similar experiences as well. I feel very close to you & I draw strenght from your blog. Sometimes, I remember when we walked and talked, cup of coffee in hand & he guided me away from the street (he had this thing, he always had to walk on the sidewalk that was near the street, to 'protect' me), he held my bags, & just like your ex, he read me so well! He knew when I was upset, sad, indecisive. You know, I've had many men come to me since we broke up but noone can really compare. Yes, they have more education, more stability, more money, they are nicer and more caring, BUT they are not HIM.
I'm glad you found someone that brings beauty in your life. I know it will cme for me too. I just have to move on. It's hard.

@ Floreta
You know, sometimes it seems like it was an abusive relationships, but then I tell myself that there was so much love, so much good times. I think he was lost, & I thought that my love could save him. It was stupid.

missalister said...

Little things?! Holy shit no I been there! Bad place. Oh but the good the pure the holy. I know. It’s a mystery the dagger, the compatibility, the incompatibility, and where is the middle road? The one that fits our contour like an adjoining puzzle piece? It’s here somewhere. Maybe on the floor. Maybe the baby ate it or the dog or the vacuum cleaner… I like your writing, Nana. Love is stronger than pride. Yes. And have you visited Devil Mood, whose site is named that? She is Sunday Scribblings’ Portuguese embassador : )

missalister said...

Yes, yes, I see you know our Ms. Mood. I see now. And I love your music : )

Anonymous said...

"It is always those you keep near who will be the dagger to your heart."

So true! Although I can't say that I've experienced such intense polarity in my romantic relationships, some of it certainly rings true with the other types of relationships I have had in my life. Love, and certainly other things like desperately wanting to be loved and accepted is stronger than pride, and then it leads to losing yourself in the other person. Luckily, we learn from our stupidities and grow to be more cautious all the while treasuring the wonderful moments that were regardless of the outcome.
Stay beautiful sweetie :)

Nana said...

@ MissAlister: Thank you for visiting! i say these are little things because I feel like i'm complaining, whilst SO much is happenning in the world that deserves attention, & here I am, crying over a failed relationship...

@ Tout de Noir: Thank you, honey. I definitely agree that learning from experiences is key, as for remembering the good times and enjoying them... I do, perhaps with a bit too much longing.

Akirah said...

Mmm. It's good to reflect on the past. It sounds like you have learned/are learning a lot.

It also sounds like when you are in a relationship, you give a lot of yourself. The man who snags you will be blessed by this. But any man who truly loves you will NEVER take advantage of your kindness.

Good post.