Wednesday, April 22, 2009

17 again.

I just came back from the movies with the girls. We switched it up this week, as smoking Shisha regularly is doing havoc on all of our lungs. Apparently, one hour session of Shisha exposes you to 100 to 200 more smoke (inhaled) than a single cigarette. Not a good look.
So, instead, we stopped by McDonald's (one bad vice replaced by another) and grabbed a Big mac & Mccnuggets. We went to see '17 again.' I fell in love with Zac Efron (we all did) & we were all disappointed he didn't hook up with the hot mom, whilst in his '17 year old' body. Yes, quite sick indeed.
I'm home now, feeling a bit old. It's SO silly, as I am only 21, but the movie got me missing the simplicity and cruelty of high school. It was simple because it was prior to credit cards, tuition, cell phone bills and getting career 'experience', Cruel because every small thing seemed like the end of the world, low self-esteem had everyone jabbing at some one else and because it was like if I was a raw nerve, feeling everything so vividly...
I miss getting patties and drinking chubbies at recess, going to Jams and wearing pink from head to toe, because I was 'matching', ha. I didn't appreciate those moments, I was always living in the future, wanting to grow older and be independent. I miss liking a boy so much, after very little time and getting my heart crushed when he didn't call back, only to find out he liked me as much as I liked him. I miss writing notes in class, speculating if my crush is into me, getting so nervous when I saw him in the halls, being ecstatic when he invited me out. I miss all my prior philosophies, I believed; If you loved someone, it was inconceivable they wouldn't love you back, I'd marry my high school sweetheart, I'd be friends forever with my girlfriends...

If I got the chance to revisit my high school days, I'd do some things differently, but unfortunately, I probably won't get the chance to be sucked into a water cyclone, a la Zac Efron.

What I regret, & it is my only regret, that I don't love the same. I feel like an ice cube, sometimes, I feel like I'm melting & I'm going back to the old me. But then, the weather freezes & whatever I have gained, I lose twice fold.

4 comments:

Retromus-ik said...

Question: Can you trace a pattern? When are the moments when you feel as if you were melting, and when do you feel like you are losing all sense of feeling once again?

Belinda K. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Billie said...

going to Jams and wearing pink from head to toe, because I was 'matching', ha.

It made me smile. Days gone by...Remember to always live in the present. You blink and when out of reflex you open your eyes again. You're 27 feeling fat and worst of all, you dont understand fashion anymore (SACRILEGE, never thought it would happen to me!!)

bisous and thanks for your so-well-written "diary". you are the most sincere and honest and tell it like it is writer i know!
Quel courage :)

B

Nana said...

@ Retro: I feel the freeze when I start trusting someone, a bit, a bit, but they depart at speed. Or when I see holes in people's stories, or principles, it makes me withdraw from them. I feel like I'm melting when I'm getting to know someone & I don't feel like running away, when I'm actually enjoying the good with the bad. When I'm light in the heart, when I take a breath & I'm not building walls all around me. Or when I wake up & feel like, one day, I'll trust & love with ease, & not let my past hold me back.

@ Billie.
I have little courage, I think it's a weakness that I need to write out my emotions to feel somewhat freed. & you are not fat! I feel fat too, all the time, & fashion these days is Souljah boy, lol. But you still dress nice, so it's all good :)