Friday, March 27, 2009

At this Junction of my life, I chose to live amongst the flowers, not the thorns.

This Saturday, I was at my friend's daughter's birthday party. I was waiting for this event impatiently as my X and his daughter were to attend.
I was nervous, a bit scared, curious to see if my emotions would unravel at his sight.
The past month, I had been hitting the gym twice a week, obsessing over small details; I wanted him to see me, have a sudden epiphany, regret that he didn't try harder, that he didn't beg me to stay with him. If you ask me, He was the problem, not I.
I was so hurt when we broke up, so confused, so angry. I felt so STUPID to have invested so much emotions, so much money, so much energy into someone...
But then I saw him.
& throughout the night, I was reminded why I fell in love with him in the first place. He was still funny, silly, simple...For the past 5 months, I've hung unto the bad memories, dwelling on his bad qualities; it was easier this way, nurturing my hate towards him helped me overcome my love for him.
Seeing his daughter was something else. I bought her a pyjama and a playdough spaghetti factory, but when it came to giving it to her, I just felt so silly.
She didn't remember me. She asked me 'what's your name?'
Every word was like a small needle puncturing my heart. I know she's just a child, but I hoped she remembered all the weekends I have spent with her ; teaching her to dance, feeding her, cleaning up after her when she was being potty trained...
As heartbreaking it was, her loss of memory was also a relief. I could move on without leaving Babygirl behind. I wouldn't be hurting her feelings, she had already made her goodbyes, her child eyes will meet, forget, new people, new places, new situations.
I will always remember the joy and learning she had brought in my life but it doesn't feel as real, with her amnesia.
As for her father, I didn't cry, I didn't regret, I didn't feel my heart breaking...again.
We were polite, even exchanged some jokes. I'm going to be good from now on, I am closing that part of my life, I'm making peace with my mistakes.

Right now, I am in bed. Sick. There seems to be a virus going around; your throat gets swollen, your body aches, your nose is stuffed.
The good/sweet news is that a friend was so kind, he sent me sushi and flowers 2 days ago, and a chocolate cake today. Awww.


Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Yes, it has to ache to know that his baby girl didn't remember you. It would be the same with me and Baby Boo...if she forgot me. I'd be devastated! I feel like I've shaped and molded her in the short time she's been a part of my life and mine - hers. But, you said it best...that it made the ache much easier to bear. Had she clung to you and cried and didn't want to let go of you would've done more harm than good.

Do you feel that you are over him or are there still feelings that resurfaced as a result of seeing him again?

Is he seeing someone else?

Nana said...

Thx u 4 understanding. I think my friends feel Im crazy for loving his daughter, they just tell me 'She wasn't yours!'.
I know that, but does it really matter that she didn't come from my DNA? I felt loving her, was as natural as loving her father.
No, He's not seeing any one else,as far as I've been told. he's working on himself, financially, emotionally.
I will always have feelings for him. Always. And to be honest, if he came to me tommorrow, and really proved to me he wanted a second chance, it would be INCREDIBLY hard to say No.
But I've accepted that it's a time to make amends. I'm not gonna stay in a situation, while he moves on. I can't. It's too heartbreaking.