This Saturday, I was at my friend's daughter's birthday party. I was waiting for this event impatiently as my X and his daughter were to attend.
I was nervous, a bit scared, curious to see if my emotions would unravel at his sight.
The past month, I had been hitting the gym twice a week, obsessing over small details; I wanted him to see me, have a sudden epiphany, regret that he didn't try harder, that he didn't beg me to stay with him. If you ask me, He was the problem, not I.
I was so hurt when we broke up, so confused, so angry. I felt so STUPID to have invested so much emotions, so much money, so much energy into someone...
But then I saw him.
& throughout the night, I was reminded why I fell in love with him in the first place. He was still funny, silly, simple...For the past 5 months, I've hung unto the bad memories, dwelling on his bad qualities; it was easier this way, nurturing my hate towards him helped me overcome my love for him.
Seeing his daughter was something else. I bought her a pyjama and a playdough spaghetti factory, but when it came to giving it to her, I just felt so silly.
She didn't remember me. She asked me 'what's your name?'
Every word was like a small needle puncturing my heart. I know she's just a child, but I hoped she remembered all the weekends I have spent with her ; teaching her to dance, feeding her, cleaning up after her when she was being potty trained...
As heartbreaking it was, her loss of memory was also a relief. I could move on without leaving Babygirl behind. I wouldn't be hurting her feelings, she had already made her goodbyes, her child eyes will meet, forget, new people, new places, new situations.
I will always remember the joy and learning she had brought in my life but it doesn't feel as real, with her amnesia.
As for her father, I didn't cry, I didn't regret, I didn't feel my heart breaking...again.
We were polite, even exchanged some jokes. I'm going to be good from now on, I am closing that part of my life, I'm making peace with my mistakes.
Right now, I am in bed. Sick. There seems to be a virus going around; your throat gets swollen, your body aches, your nose is stuffed.
The good/sweet news is that a friend was so kind, he sent me sushi and flowers 2 days ago, and a chocolate cake today. Awww.