Monday, December 22, 2008

Column 2: A Velvet armchair & New Beginnings

I fell in love with a velvet armchair. It is a soft turquoise green, retro style. I am so excited because, about an hour after I made pick up arrangements, we received a letter from the landlord. It informed us that he didn’t wish to renew the lease as one of his sons will occupy the dwelling.
1- I have never liked our duplex. I don’t want to sound superstitious but, towards the beginning of our habitation, we’ve had some problems with unwanted occupants. In summary; my cat would hiss & run around the house, my father felt a force pushing him off the couch & I’d hear mauling outside of my window & something walking on our roof. The supernatural occurrences ceased after my father walked around the house with a cross, sprinkling Holy water.
2- On a less metaphysical note, this house hosts a lot of bad memories. Two years ago, I was in bed for nearly a week, my room was permeated with a putrid hospital stench & three holes had been drilled into my lower stomach.
The surgical procedure was called a
laparoscopic salpingectomy; a fancy term for the removal (whole or partial) of a fallopian tube.
A few days before, I had sharp pains in my lower right abdomen. They started off innocently and could have been caused by mild indigestion. Yet they intensified & in a matter of minutes, I was bent over in pain. I have never before experienced such excruciating agony; I felt like a worm was eating my insides. I spent the night lying in a fetus position.
Next morning, I went to the clinic with my father. The good-for-nothing doctor told me I had indigestion. If I hadn’t had listened to my gut, I would have went back home.
Instead, my ex & I went to the hospital. After they took my blood & urine, I waited for the results. The doctor told me I was pregnant. The world stopped. I looked at him & prayed it was a nightmare. Abortion was the first thought on my mind.
Yet, He continued.
‘‘Your pregnancy levels are so low that it seems you are either miscarrying or you have an ectopic pregnancy, which means, that the fetus is outside of the womb & you’ll need surgery to remove it.’’
They did an ultra sound. My fallopian tube had exploded & I was bleeding internally. It was 7 weeks old but they couldn’t tell me if it was a boy or girl. I wanted to know all about the life halted inside me. It was in my left tube even though pain emanated from my right side.
I put on a poker face; I didn’t want anybody to know I was hurting. Before my pregnancy, I thought I was immune. Unless I was ready & no matter my choices, I thought life would follow my lead. I understand better now that a Life is not tame. I did the classic Nana move. I froze my heart to survive the emotional pain of losing a child. Two years later, I still think about the baby I have never met.
The experience made me realize to what extent I have faith in God, because not once did I feel scared. During the whole ordeal, God’s arms were woven around me; he reassured me everything will turn out fine.
Once, my X told me how every time he returned his daughter to her mother’s house, he felt a void. He would return to his apartment & feel like life was on hold until he was with his daughter again. I told him I understood how he felt because when I saw mothers with their toddlers, I felt a surge of love that was followed by the hollowing knowledge that my heart would never find peace. I didn’t have ‘weekends with baby’ like him. I missed someone I would never meet; I missed someone that didn’t exist for anyone but me.
Of course, we had many good moments here but they seem to falter when I think of everything else. I am excited because I know it gives me the opportunity to leave my family & pave my own path. Yes, I will be getting my first apartment.
3- Change is good. Sometimes you need to leave a place to build your future elsewhere. What I have learned from my experience is that no matter the choices we make in life, there will be consequences. We must be ready to assume them. I was 19 & I should have taken better care of myself. I should have insisted my ex used rubbers & not depend on pills to keep me safe. I will never move on & forget about the little being that was growing within me. It is something I will have to carry all my life. On a more positive note; I would like to remind everyone to wrap it up. No glove, no love. Life is hard enough without scarring pregnancies, abortions or miscarriages.


Lion-ess said...

freaky!! Prayer does wonders!
I'm sorry for ur lost.. such a hallow feeling and I'm happy that you have overcomed and have been blessed!

Seivna said...

Hey.. I just want you to know that I love your blog, the way you write, the way you choose your words and I've been reading it since I stumbled upon it a few months ago.
You have gone through a lot in your life, and through writing you have been able to share your experiences with the world.

I am a 16 years old guy from singapore and I hope to write like you one day. God bless.