Monday, August 10, 2009

Baby girl.

I had a very quiet day today; I did laundry, cleaned up the house and re-organized my closet. I wore baggy jeans, no bra and a V-neck shirt, no jewelry, no make up...I was alone with myself and my thoughts.

I had a nightmare about Baby girl. It was horrible and I am still shaken up about it. I called my ex and we talked on his break; he's doing fine and so is she. I guess I needed reassurance that she is well, there had been no accident nor illness. I know I'm not in her life anymore, I haven't seen her since March but this hasn't dampened my love.
Sometimes, I look at baby clothes, I think about picking up something for her. When I'm at the library, I pass next to the children section, and my fingers itch, they just want to grab a gazillion baby books. I can't help but miss having Baby girl in my life...

When we broke up, my ex told me I could see her whenever I wanted to, she used to ask him 'where's Jen?', to which he'd reply 'I don't know.' At the time, I was still angry, hurt, sad and his answer to her question seemed like a slap in the face. You don't know? You don't know? It seemed to me it implied complete free will on my part, like if I chose to forget about her, to withdraw from our weekly routines. I left because he was taking too much, he was bleeding me dry. Of course, you can't say this to a 2 year old.

Honestly, if I could, I'd see her every weekend. But I am less of a fool today, than I was then, and I know I'd lose her at some point.
When my ex would start dating again, my presence would be problematic. If I got into a disagreement with him and his love for me would have ran dry, he could cut our ties with a simple word.
When Baby girl stopped asking for me, I was hurt but relieved; she had forgotten about me, she's too young to remember so far back.
As well, I can't imagine having her in my life and dating anyone but her father. It would be awkward, like if I was juggling two separate lives and it wouldn't be fair for anyone involved. My ex hasn't dated anyone since we split (as far as I know) and he still calls me 'baby'. He's focusing on his career, on his daughter, on being a better man. A lot has changed in 9 months.

I've let go, I am not mourning him, it's just Baby girl that sill haunts me.

I have someone new in my life; It's weird to say; 'my boyfriend and I' again.
Baby steps, Baby steps,Baby steps.


Don't Be a Slut said...

Yeah, dating men with kids definitely presents its share of difficulties. Keep taking your baby steps, you're doing fine.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Letting go can be so very hard. I had my cousin's baby girl placed in my home when she was 18 days old because her mom and birth dad were in jail for abuse. I got so attached. She wasn't mine although it felt like she was. When she was placed in a foster home with her other siblings, I mourned for the baby I knew I didn't have anymore. Just recently, I saw a picture of her as a happy 4 year old. It leaves me still wondering what if but then I move on and you will too.

Retromus-ik said...

I'm happy you got to know Baby girl. Kids are a blessing. I know how I felt when the girl I was a big sister to went back to live with her biological mom (she was in foster care) sucks I didnt even get to say my goodbyes.

I cant imagine what you feel, having been around her as much as you were, and in that role...Is missing her getting any with time?

अर्शिया अली said...

Nice Blog. Congrats.
{ Treasurer-T & S }

tangerine: said...

she's a doll. i can understand that she has a place in your heart and always will. my family always opened our door to foster children, for better or for worse. over time i've become attached to some and wasn't able to tolerate others... but it is an overwhelming thought at times to think of the little lives the surrounded mine.

my mom's boyfriend's daughter has had an impact in my life. there's such innocence and beauty in children, and when you watch them grow they become a part of you too. seeing the video of baby girl broke my heart a little. i'm not sure why...

i love you, girl.

do you have any other websites i can contact you on when we aren't blogging?

Lion-ess said...

This is so sad!
At least you know that she is happy and ok.

Stay strong

It so good to walk around the house with no bra and just loose clothing.

latree said...

I hope she's doing just fine, and so are you


O.F.C.J. said...

Very deep feeling provoking thoughts. Hm...I think, (though I know I am not in the situation, therefore it makes it very easy for me to say)... that you should go see her. You know... just to:)


I Make Eye Candy said...

How are you girl? Will email you...