I had a very quiet day today; I did laundry, cleaned up the house and re-organized my closet. I wore baggy jeans, no bra and a V-neck shirt, no jewelry, no make up...I was alone with myself and my thoughts.
I had a nightmare about Baby girl. It was horrible and I am still shaken up about it. I called my ex and we talked on his break; he's doing fine and so is she. I guess I needed reassurance that she is well, there had been no accident nor illness. I know I'm not in her life anymore, I haven't seen her since March but this hasn't dampened my love.
Sometimes, I look at baby clothes, I think about picking up something for her. When I'm at the library, I pass next to the children section, and my fingers itch, they just want to grab a gazillion baby books. I can't help but miss having Baby girl in my life...
When we broke up, my ex told me I could see her whenever I wanted to, she used to ask him 'where's Jen?', to which he'd reply 'I don't know.' At the time, I was still angry, hurt, sad and his answer to her question seemed like a slap in the face. You don't know? You don't know? It seemed to me it implied complete free will on my part, like if I chose to forget about her, to withdraw from our weekly routines. I left because he was taking too much, he was bleeding me dry. Of course, you can't say this to a 2 year old.
Honestly, if I could, I'd see her every weekend. But I am less of a fool today, than I was then, and I know I'd lose her at some point.
When my ex would start dating again, my presence would be problematic. If I got into a disagreement with him and his love for me would have ran dry, he could cut our ties with a simple word.
When Baby girl stopped asking for me, I was hurt but relieved; she had forgotten about me, she's too young to remember so far back.
As well, I can't imagine having her in my life and dating anyone but her father. It would be awkward, like if I was juggling two separate lives and it wouldn't be fair for anyone involved. My ex hasn't dated anyone since we split (as far as I know) and he still calls me 'baby'. He's focusing on his career, on his daughter, on being a better man. A lot has changed in 9 months.
I've let go, I am not mourning him, it's just Baby girl that sill haunts me.
I have someone new in my life; It's weird to say; 'my boyfriend and I' again.
Baby steps, Baby steps,Baby steps.