Monday, March 2, 2009

Column 10: Day & night.

Is it normal to feel a void whenever he comes back, through a meaningless call or rushed text message, in my life. Is it normal that my world is destablized with active knowledge of his presence, the awareness that somewhere, with someone, He is recreating moments I thought would remain intimate & secret for eternity. Is it normal that, I would willingly put myself in hot water, just to be near a man that reminds me of him. A man that could potentially leave me broken like a doll, because he has all the qualities & abrasiveness, my X once possessed.
Is it normal, that I feel taken back with anger, that he closed our joint account without my presence. I thought that, bank procedures would prohibit single decisions, that we would both have to terminate a stupid account, who the fuck is crazy enough to make financial decisions after so little time, with awareness of his frugality. Me. Of course.
Of course, had I known I could have closed the account, I would have done it the day after I cut my hair, painted my heart black, iced my fucking soul. But. I hate that he's done (yet another)something without consulting me, without at least, letting me know that another bridge has burned.
There's still the car we had bought. Most likely, abused by winter, but still parked in his brother's drive way. Still rusty, but magnificent in its symbolic emblem.
Little car, did you know you used to be a carrier of hope? That, I thought that you'd help him get back on the road, fool him to believe that he could rebuild, acquire autonomy through you?
But I was wrong. It was all for naught.
I feel used. I feel like my love has been taken for a weakness. I feel like we broke up in October, then yet again November, & I cannot spend a day without thinking of him...
Day & night, loneliness is my second skin.
I know that there's much worse in the world than heartbreak, I also know that, one day, I wll wake up & feel silly for ever giving him the time of day. But I also know, that when it comes to loving again so freely, I will not, I cannot.

So. God. Next time, I feel my heart pound out of my chest, next time, I smell flowers blossoming in winter, next time I hear roll drums; I need complete reassrance.
Because I refuse to put my heart in a man’s palm if you cannot justify who you are, if you do not prove to me, that this man knows what he wants from me. That this man loves me, & not only the support and comfort I have offered him this far. I need to know that this man loves my mind, that he respects my emotions, that his goal is my well-being and growth. I need to know, God, that he will not take advantage of my weaknesses, that he will not impose his will on me, that he will not take and take, without offering anything in return...
Because. Honestly. I am drained.

1 comment:

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Nana, your writing is beautiful and heartfelt. I too, although much older than you, have been there in your shoes. After being married for 21 years and having the marriage dissolve after he cheated, I still feel those same exact emotions that you described. I do have a Boo in my life yet, I feel at times, angry, and curious too. I wonder what is running through his head.

Thank you for stopping by my blog. I'm sad that you were attached to your ex's little one. I hope that she remembers that you loved her and cared for her too.